The Boyfriend Play Date

As some of you may know I’ve been single for about a
year and have been dating. I have whittled the worthy down
to one and we’ve been seeing more of each other. Now in
situations where there is just an occasional romp no one in
either parties circles are involved. Or need to be in that matter.
But that shit is out the window once you cross into the boyfriend
zone. She talks to her friends about you. They get curious then all
of a sudden a event materializes where your first appearance as
a couple is scheduled. Jeez.

So there you are a room full of women and their significant others.
Some of whom have been forced to show up.

I scanned the room, and I notice the classic glances of ” WTF am I
doing here”. One guy in on his BB, another checking scores to the
Knicks game, me looking at the artwork on the walls. Boredom starts
to set in once the girls forget we are even there and tell stories of events
we dare not ask any details about. Then the pivotal moment arrives…the
bathroom break. I hate this part. You are now stuck there with a bunch of
dudes you don’t know trying to find common ground in interest. Sometimes
a good thing, but most times the conversation degenerates to sports or
career talk. Not to say I’m what other dudes would call a good conversationalist.
I’m here.. why are YOU here? I’m doing this to make her happy, just like
you. So lets pretend to play in the sandbox peacefully and content. Chances
are if things advance with you and your lady you now have a designated bff.
(F*ck Me!)

 Medicate with intoxicant of your choice.
“Waiter! Another Tony Montana. Heavy on the gin.”

The Black Man's Guide to Job Hunting

Ok. Shit’s fucked up right now. Trust I know as I sit in my Ivory Palace called
a 9 to 5. But even my palace is built on wood piles in a termite-infested bog.
I know too many brothers out here without a job. It’s to the point that
McDonalds is not hiring(so I’ve heard). The current economic climate is
stressing black men to the point of contemplating stick ups and slangin dem thangs.

To deter your life from turning into a Hughes Brothers movie here are
some tips that have worked for the folks I know that have found work.

 
1- Stop Smoking Weed

It may seem like a given, but 6 out of 10 dudes I know smoke like it’s
going out of style. I don’t give a fuck what anyone says If you can’t put
the Chiba down for a month while you secure your financial situation
you are a delusional fiend. Yeah, fiend!

2- Get your skills up.

Make yourself desirable to future employers. Reinforce your strengths. If
you are a good talker consider some diction tips to land that Customer
Service job. If you have good writing skills write on your free time online
or just to yourself. The key to skill building is getting better at what you do
best without spending money you don’t have.

3- A positive attitude.

I don’t want to hear the story about how the white man doesn’t
want to give you a job. Trust I know even menial jobs like bus boys
and janitors are not being given to us. I can’t call it. Still in all it’s up to
you to find the next level niche. Think other than the common fall back
of hitting the block. SBA classes are free. Take the “hustler” spirit and
start your own biz.

Bottom line, don’t be your worst enemy. There is opportunity out there.
It up to you to find your hustle and not resort to common means of ends.

— Posted Live From The Outside World

The GTFOOHWTBS Awards 2009

Top 10 most annoying and asinine events of 2009 as through the eyes of Stress!!!

10- The Kardadhians. OK I get it. You guys are real people with real
problems even though you’re obscenely rich. Can I be honest here? I
only watch this show with tissues and a bottle of Jergens on the night
stand. My ménage a quatre runs wild. Yeah moms can get it too.

9- Autotune in Reggae. I love dancehall. The island boy in me can’t get
enough. But this ugly Yankee trend has infiltrated the most purest of dancehall.
I guess us American kids are good for something.

8- Republicans & Democrats. One side bashes the new prez on every
issue, even though 13 months ago they was screaming that anyone that
doesn’t support the prez is Anti-American. The other side are a bunch of
pussies who bend on every stance THEY suggest. Welcome to Clusterfuckia!

7-Tiger’s Harem- Now I can smile when I address this dude as Mr. Woods.
LOL. But how the fuck did these hoes get famous and make money. One even
had the nerve to go on prime time to confess how she felt betrayed by Tiger.
Oh “he lied to me.” Bitch you fucked a married man and knew the deal.
One word…Gold digger.

How the hell you save text messages that long?


6- Shocking Celebrity Deaths. - Yo we lost Captain EO, the
Roadhouse bouncer, and the politest dude on earth this year.
Plus my snowflake crush from HS, Britney Murphy. Damn. Bad
year to be a celeb.

5- Hip Hop’s Life Span or Demise - OK we can spend hours
debating this as I have online in forums. The conclusion is that
the weak complain the strong make an effort to change. Which
side are you on?


4- BET - Shucking and jiving into number 4 on my list. As a black man who is
pretty active on issues, I’ve watched approximately 7 hours of it’s programming
collectively this year. Why? Because I’m tired of having a network run by non
alike people telling me I should drink, smoke weed, and fuck bitches all day.
Then they have the nerve to have commercials for quick loans and gospel hits.
This station does need Jesus.


3-Music Industry Beef. It has gone from valid claims of lyrical
supremacy to attempts to boost album sales. It has even taken
over the minds of r&b artist like Trey Songs, Neyo and R Kelly. All
of whom had their own mixtape or mixtape appearances this year.
Really? Sounds like Friday Night Sissy Fights. Where’s Dave Chappelle
when you need him?


2- I was gonna mention Jon and Kate Gosselin. Besides them both being
media whores, I have found a bigger offender. Kate’s hair. Watt D Phyuck?!?
It looks like a break dancing peacock is holding the world’s longest freeze on
her head. Kate, I hope you got some delicious Muchentuchen and a bottle of
Fizzy Bobala with that visit to Zohan’s  shop.

AND NOW …… The moment you’ve been waiting for.

1-AT&T

Dear AT&T,
I’ve been a customer for over ten years and you have served me well.
That is until I purchased an iPhone from you. First I want to say I didn’t
spaz when it crashed the first month I had it. I didn’t even get mad at you
when I had to deal with the snobby, hipster, punk bitch, customer service
rep. That was Apple’s fault. (If I find you Evan I’m gonna attach a car battery
to a piercing of my choice.)

I just want to know why hold the rights and sell this great product if you
can’t support it? Are you guys really that out of touch? Apple is cutting edge
tech. You really did not expect the data streaming to be that heavy? Really?
I wanted to get some money taking off of my bill for the late voice mail
postings and dropped calls, but as I was explaining this to your rep…the
call was dropped. AT&T you are the worst of the worst. But then again.
I’m not downgrading to a crackberry. So you fucking win again.
I hope you feel good about yourself.

                                                                                                 
Your Digitally Dependent Piss-on,
                                                                                                                      
Stress

— Posted Live From The Outside World

Jay-Z & Kanye: Conspiracy?

YouTube for the past few months has been flooded with video
theories of Jay Z being a Freemason and Kanye belonging to a
secret society. I’m always a bit skeptical when it comes to certain things.
Hood conspiracies is one of those things. Remember when Big Daddy
Kane had AIDS?Or when R Kelly peed on children….

Oh wait…that did happen.

Anyways being proved wrong in the past I have decided to take
an intellectual look at these YouTube vids. Being how there are so
many I took the highest ranked vid named “Jay Z is a Mason”.



I watched all 8 minutes of this blatant propaganda vid. The only thing
that held some weight was point of strange placements of the Skull and
Bones on attire. But then I thought, Aren’t the Skull and Bones and Masons
two different secret societies? Not sure you can be in both at the same
time…there would be no secret. Looking further I found anyone who knows
Jay’s music can pick up the clever editing and looping of “D’Evils”. I especially
had to laugh at the “I keep one eye open like CBS” excerpt. Clearly taken out
of context. Other lyrics from ‘Ye and Nas were mentioned but these are even
further stretches not worth mentioning.

The other video that was a 5 part series looking at the video
” Luv Lockdown” I must say that this one was better explained
and had some real interesting points. OK; to tell the truth I found
fault with almost all of it except for the last part of the analysis that
made me wonder if the theory had legs. It was the scene where the
supposed Martian lesbian women were standing in front of the tribes
men. The young lion DID walk by them with two other women. It threw
me for a loop. Dont know how to debate that. Watch it and ask yourself why.

In all, be careful of anything posted on YouTube. I’m the biggest skeptic…
but of everything. Before I tear down black men who have made successes
of themselves, I investigate their product instead of bandwagonin’ and crab
barrelling. It’s open for discussion. Holla!


— Posted Live From The Outside World

Minority?

I saw a story this week involving a horrendous gang rape in
Richmond, Virginia. What made it so bad was that people stood and
watched while a 15yr old girl was repeatedly raped and assaulted for 2
hours in an alley behind the school during a dance. I’m no fool. I know
that kids drink at HS dances and get it on in dark areas. But to have
people stand there and watch adds a tinge of WTF? But that is for another
blog. I wanted to address the statements delivered by the classmates of
the victim. Though rightfully angered I feel that it may have been misguided
towards Blacks, Latinos, and Asians. In her statement she felt that because
she was the “minority” in the school her safety and academic efforts have
been overlooked. She goes even further to say (and I cringed listening)
she and her white classmates were overlooked by the district
because she was surrounded by “minorities”.

(To see the video, look below)



(c) CNN

Hmm.

A bright person, which I hope I am, would say, “Hold up. How can
there be TWO groups of minorities? There has to be a majority”. The fact
is that is not true. The word “minority” has become a word almost as
ugly as nigger, spic, chink. It is a PC way to say, those jigs, wet backs,
those rice eaters.  No?

Ask yourself why is she the minority surrounded by “The Minorities”.  The word
minority is defined as “the smaller part or number; a number, part, or amount
forming less than half of the whole.”  It somehow serves as a severe negative
connotation. I guess in America, that whole partial human being is still in effect. 

Be wary of being called a Minority my minor’s.

Fox Hole

Last week the Obama administration authorized a sort of a ban on Fox news
reporting because the reporting of false facts in regards to several issues that
come up. Fox has blasted the administration stating that they are just reporting
the full story. I've said in the past that most of the media outlets available now
are irresponsible when reporting the news.  In my first journalism class, my
professor assigned me to research the " War of the Worlds" incident of the
late 30's that paralyzed a rural area with fear of invading Martians. The exercise
made me realize the power of the press and how just one misguided view
can sway they public into a frenzy.  A frenzy of socialism, Nazism, and a sort
of white fright.  Shame on you Fox News. The flux of TV personalities and lack
of real journalists has plagued your network making it the headquarters of
the right wing agenda. Fair and balanced? What happened to objective
reporting? What happened to the 3 sides of the story?

Please do not insult my intelligence.

 

Ghostdeini The Great

I had the opportunity to read a review from a somewhat prominent periodical
about the new Ghostface Killah album 'Ghostdini: The Wizard of Poetry
in Emerald City'. After the reviewer mentioned that "The Pretty Tony" album
was a miss in his eyes, I knew the rest of the review was bogus. So here
is an analysis of the new joint.

If you a Ghost fan you are familiar with his pension to attempt a tender
hearted track on each album showing his softer side. As I agree with the
aforementioned critic in Ghost's ability to understand R&B, I disagree with
saying he has problems translating it to his own music. I do admit that I
wasn't really a fan of "Push" , a previous collab with Missy Elliot, but this full
album soft approach shows Ghost's descriptive lyrics and heartfelt flow as his
harder albums.

The opening track sets the tone for the album right away. The hard drums,
silky vocals and the visual lyrics of 'Not your Average Girl' shows that Ghost's
mission is to make you believe he is dead serious about pulling this concept
album off. I think that the vocalist chosen and super catchy hooks are as stellar
as Ghost's delivery of his always super descriptive sometimes super graphic
lyrics. Raheem Devaughn lends his vocals to the energetic "Do Over", a track
featuring Ghost's admission to wanting to get a do over for the faults of a
defunct relationship. I can call out each track in an attempt to justify the album
but as you listen you come to find it is not needed.

If you are Ghost fan pick it up. If you are not pick it up. Although it is absent
of stories of drug deals gone awry it is a solid album to pop into play list slot on
your iPod. The off-beat nature of his project makes it a winner in my eyes.

 

Door Courtesy

Coming up, I was taught chivalry. Chivalry will get you respected by
the opposite sex and get you closer than the next guy when it comes
to the hunt. Amongst the many rules one I often finds myself thinking
on how to approach… the act of opening the door for a lady. It may
seem petty, but this small act or lack thereof can get complicated. For
instance how do open a revolving door? For fast food restaurants, do
you open the first door then run in front of them to get the next?
Miscues can get you cut eyes and maybe even a Neverary 32nd date.
The following is the outcome of a month long sting investigation.

The Double Door-

Believe it or not, I had a woman give me the side eye because I
didn’t run to the second set of doors to open it. This is right after
I opened the entrance door just two seconds ago. (B**** you could’ve
slowed up!) Needless to say I don’t hang with her anymore. If you are
concerned about how to spin this into a chivalrous act, open the first
door with you in front of her. Then get her attention with something
random. Crack a quick joke or  touch her on the hand. While she’s
looking at you, use your special multitasking skills to grab the next
door to let her in.

Automatic Opening Door-

Really? Them shits open for you. But some women still feel a need to be let
in first. I say by all means. It gives us a great view of dat ass anyway.

 
The Revolving Door-

Just let her go first. I try to control the speed of the door. Why?     

Cause I can.

Subway Door-

I live in NYC so fend for yourself biatch!

Elevator Door-

Let them go in first and let them off first. Why? See automatic door.

 
Slide Doors-

Slide then step aside.

I think that covers it all. If you choose to go the “knight in shining armor” route,
follow the above. Guy code guidelines do apply here as well… for the love of all
that surrounds us, please do not waste such chivalry on the unworthy.

Yeah I said it.

 

Old Dude in The Club

“all the 80s babies put your hands in the air”

A strange thing happened to me when I went to an after work event last week.
I found out that I was the old dude in the club. How? I guess it would be my
reactions to certain instances.

First off I went with two lady friends that did not leave my side. Not
because they needed my protection or anything crazy, but more of in
the event of us leaving they know where I am. The atmosphere was cool.
“Grown and Sexy” if you will. Strange, the crowd mirrored me 5 years ago,
working in the city, letting off some steam by drinking cheap booze and
grinding on strangers. I was into the crowd, and wanted to jump on the
next young thing and try my luck.

As I watched my companions ignore the advances of the drunk sweaty
dude in a Tshirt, I notice the girls watching me. Not in a come dance
with me way, but in a “what’s his deal?” sorta way. Maybe it’s because
I had my friend buy me drinks as soon as we got in the club. Hmm was
I broke or did I have it like that. Either way curiosity was sparked. The
dudes were tryna make me out too. I ignored the broke willies and bopped
my head to the tracks of their lives.

Ack. I hate rap these days.

After the third song professing a dance of some sort I picked up my
shit and left. I used to enjoy going out and seeing people dance. In just
a short 5 yrs I became the dude that’ll rather smoke cigars and eat steaks
at a restaurant than go to a club. I past my dry hump stage. Women are a
dime a dozen. For once I can say I’m good.

Being 30 ain’t bad. Not bad at all.

When Garanimals Attack

I’ve stayed quiet on this whole Perez Hilton and Will I Am spat
for I wanted to see how the public would handle the situation.
For those unfamiliar with the story it goes as such…

(The following conversation paraphrased for fun. Feel free to add funny voices.)

Will - Yo I don’t like your last review of my album.
PH – Well sucks to be you. The shits trash.
Will - I aint playing man. I don’t want to see my group on your
blog anymore or there gonna be some problems.
PH - Pulease Willie Boy. You suck as an artist and you’re no
longer relevant. Why don’t you write a song or do a
dance move somewhere?
Will – Yo word up, I’m for real. Stop publishing bad press
about my crew. We need these album sales to finish
Ferg’s reconstructive surgery. She’s almost acceptable.
(writer’s note: Sorry I had to throw in a jab)
PH – Get out of my face You F*CKin F*ggot!

<<<OK Now Pause>>>

As I see it if any man calls a heterosexual man a slur such as
“F*ggot” you should prepare for a slap or worse. Ok Continue.

(SLAP!!!!!!) Followed by crying, twitting and a 5 + minute video
blog on how violence is never an answer to a disagreement.

<<<Ok Pause again>>>

Now you would think that the ounce of blackness that Will I Am
has, other than his shuck and jive dance moves, would have
forced his hand upside Perez’s face.

You would think. NOOOOOOOOOO.Will left that job for his manager
to do. Riddle me this…Who is in greater fault…The queer dude
calling the straight guy queer expecting not to get slapped,
or the straight guy having this dispute settled physically by his manager?

Here’s a little advice for you both. Not that you’ll listen to the rants of
a dude who can read the situation better than the fluffed up media circus.

Perez – Did you really think you wasn’t gonna get slapped?
I mean, c’mon. You was in his face fam. AND you called him
what you are - a pink haired, feminine talking, queen. You lucky
you didn’t get choked out. Furthermore, people get slapped
everyday without having the police being called on them. In the
real world, Perez, there are real repercussions for harsh words.
You are not special. Everyone can get touched.

Will I Had – You disappoint me. Why? Because that open
hand slap should’ve come from you, not your manager. You
flexed your trump card (black intimidation) and destroyed your
nut sack in the process. Even if your man did it out of respect
for the BEP, you should’ve acted as the leader you are and slapped
the sh*t out of him yourself. I didn’t like you guys before, now I
like you even less. I suggest get back to your brilliant production
skills and leave the thuggin’ to the 50 Cent’s of the world.

Overall this situation reminds me of the 2 sissy kids in
the schoolyard fighting. All that slapping for nothing.

Can’t we all just get along?