GTFOOHWTBS AWARDS 2010

10-The Rise of Hip Pop
Last year I wrote about autotune not knowing the evolution of Hip Pop had arrived.
I realized it when I saw young white girls crying because someone bilked them out
of money for a Nicki Minaj concert. (Nozzle to mouth pulls trigger.)

9-Kanye and Jay Z conspiracy
I haven’t seen such blatant black man ripping since Obama’s birth certificate
was put into question. Now I listen to all theories on the new world order, but do
you really think the old white men would let Kanye and Jigga  Man into their elite
club of world domination and world economy tinkering?  If anything it is another
ploy by old white men to yet again tear down successful black men. No? Prove me
otherwise. Until then, I don’t buy it.

8-No Sag Campaign
I realized this year that I really fund these asshole politicians and their asinine
and mostly misguided campaigns against public indecency.  I’d much rather they
start a campaign for police sensitivity training than a monitor for the annual teenage
fad. Thanks for wasting your time and tax payer money Senator Adams.

7-The WTC Mosque Controversy.
Remember this ? It was all the talk of the nation this year. The outrage over
the audacity Muslim worshipers having a place to practice their faith so close
to Ground Zero and the tittie bar. Guess what? After all that hubbub and Koran-burning
threats, they are still building it. Where are all those angry Americans now?

6-Fantasia’s Suicide Attempt
Watt D Fok! Fantasia, I remember being moved listening to sing on AI. I
thought you would take it to the game. But like many of our entertainers you
have to keep it real. Did you not learn from Dave Chappelle? Leave the hood
alone. Shit. Why must you go out of your way to prove how down you are.
Sad thing it didn’t work and you found yourself like the female Jaheim. So
what do you do to gain the attention of the audience you lost? You fake a
suicide. Ok maybe not fake, just a poorly attempted suicide. Shit the next
week she was on Oprah hyping her album. It’s a miracle!  Redemption in
a week. Yesssssss.

5-Technics Turntables Being Discontinued ( Stress’ Personal Beef)
I blame all you fake laptop DJ’s out there. Learn your craft and stop giving
away the secrets of hip hop you worthless sacks of camel balls.

4-The Democratic Party
Thanks for giving the president your undivided support. Now that you no longer
have the majority in the House, lets see how much your issues will be valued. Nice
way to back up you party’s leader. With your bickering about health care reform, WTC
Worker payouts and the tax break and unemployment extension, lets see how much
Obama has to ultimately bend. It’s like having T.O. on your already struggling squad,
with a proven superstar. ( sorry Bengals.) For shame, for fronting like all citizen needs
are being addressed when you all are worried about keeping your jobs. Cause let’s face
it, unemployment stats are harsh. Dust off them resumes Dems.


3-Soulja Boy caught loving up Kat Stacks
Oh dis nigga here. Not only was your swag severely gimped when you was caught huggin
up with this chick, but your age showed through. Listen lil g ( and I use that loosely) stop
hugging up these birds. You got burnt by the video and probably in the pants. She outed
your cocaine use, while you was in the bathroom. Wasn’t she on a HIV positive dating site.
Hoax? Do u really want to take a chance? Sorry fam. My love muscle is going now where
near that chick. As for you and yours. GO SEE THE DOCTOR!!!!!!!

2-The Sarah Palin Show
This is why other countries don’t like us. The majority of us are fuckin stupid. With
our toy dogs and complaining about the lack of cashiers at Starbucks. Then we let
our politicians play with our minds by watching them have potato sack races and
murder turkeys… Wait wrong footage. Anyway, if you do not see through this attempt
for party influence, u my friend are a sheep.

1-President Obama Hating
Ok. I know people who legitimately did not like Obama as a leader before
he came to term. Still I wonder would we have been better off with McCain
and Palin?’ Let’s look at the good Obama has done. Bailed out the tanking
economy, Universal healthcare passed, set up a nuclear peace treaty with
Russia, do ask don’t tell in the sack ( couldn’t resist), gave tax extensions
to the rich but got unemployment extended …. Lets face it this guys a fucking
rockstar. Well, to the rest of the world. Not here. Here he is another black guy
trying to prove validity in his decisions because he is inherently unfit to lead.
Oh and black folk tearing him down, good job. You are the reason there are
no “valid” black politicians. I would run for public office but I’d have to remove
the daggers from my back. Sensibility dies yet again.

Back Stack

Hey remeber the days when you had to work for something.  You don’t?
Then chances are, you are part of Generation Y that mom didn’t swallow.
They follow the Leon PhelpsPhilosophy. They will have sex and something
randomly will happen. Now before you read in to that as some coservative
prude talking to you I’ll make it clear that there is nothing better than beating
up new talent. But it seems like a jumpboard to celebrity.

Tiger’s porn star mistress held a press conference after his first public apology
because she wanted him to apologize. Like a phone call wouldn’t suffice. Jesse
James’ Fuhrer chick got hit up to do porn and is now hosting parties in Vegas.
So are the other chicks. Spitzer’s piece is in the May 2010 Playboy. (well she’s
kinda sexy anyway). But the one that takes the cake is Kate Gosselin. This chick
is making the early charges of greed and need for fame, bought up by her former
slave John, look feasible. Playboy. Really? What happen to the wholsome mom
raising 8 kids? Ok I could let Dancing with the Stars slide. That show is tailored
to extend celebrity.  Get that check!  But even Heff had to put a stop to her madness.
Why in the name of all that is sane would you put your 8 kids throught that anyway.
Aren’t they fuct for life after this overly publicized divorce anyway?  “Mommy
why is your boonki in the magazine?”. I can only imagine what is next. She’ll
start to date A-Rod or have an affair with John Tesh. If I was the hubby I’d let her
hang herself. Remeber dude you are the villian here. Keep your douchey-ness to a
minimum. And stop tryna bone models. You are a thirty something balding reality slut.

Now with creating celebrity we were introduced to Montana Fishburne recently.
Daughter to Mr.Black Actor God himself Larry, she shocked the world by announcing
her career in porn. She quickly defended her current career path as a gate way into
acting. Really? So having the Fishburne last name isn’t enough? Mr. Marcus’ dick has
the nectar of Hollywood success shooting out of it? Maybe acting classes and actually
listening to your superstar pops might help. Something for nothing means nothing,
emptiness, instant gratification with a huge sustainability drop off. A firm foundation
always builds a better house.

Let’s keep it “real”.  Porn stars have more class than you. At least they work to
be porn stars.

Oops as I write this I am watching a TMZ story on how the porn star present at
Charlie Sheens drunken night in Gotham is suing him for a million. I take that
previous statement back.

— Posted Live From The Outside World

Don't Pat Me Bro

Remember 9/11. We hear that often. People wave flags and pat backs and
congratulate rescuers and praise the lives of those that have perished that
day. Yet nowadays it seems like the freedoms we have relinquished for the
safety of our citizens are debated yet again. Let me explain.

The TSA has new x-ray devices at the airport designed to view everything on
your person as clear as day. (Think of the x-ray vision we all wish we shared
with Superman). These freaking things pick up everything down to schlong
and boob size. Pretty intrusive huh? But it is a necessary evil to provide safety
on aircraft post 9/11. Your alternative is a TSA pat down. Sounds better, right? 
Wrong ! Some are up in arms about being subjected to a pat down. It's humiliating.
Humiliating? To whom? Everyone is getting one or the other. Again an ugly reality
shows itself in policy change.

Humiliating. I thought of the several pat downs I received when I was a teen
even to now as a 33 year old man. Mostly just for having the unfortunate luck
of being born into an inner city borough and for having suspicious ingrained in
my DNA. Humiliating is going to the store for groceries only to be stopped and
frisked in front of passerby's. Humiliating is being frisked on a busy Queens street
for double parking. Wrong yes. Deserved? I leave that for you to answer when you
enter the gate and have to decide which  security procedure you want to "humiliate"
yourself with. I mean it's not necessary now, is it?

-- Posted Live From The Outside World

2012

There has been speculation that there will be a major event on December
2012. I know it is half apocalypse half balderdash. Funny. I wasn't really into
end of the world rhetoric. In fact I am one of the most skeptical dudes you
would ever meet. But even I cannot ignore the signs of my world going to
he'll in a hand basket. I will break this past years events down to sort of
shed some light on how Sarah Palin or ( insert conservative nut job here)
will be President in 2012.

1) I've always wondered why there were only 2 major parties in government.
To me that seems asinine to regulate a human beings' multiple views into two
vehicles where you place a funneled allegiance.  Enter the rise of the Tea Party,
a powerful well organized ultra conservative party. Call it ignorance but how
did they get so powerful under a year? Who's funding them?  And who's America
are they taking back? Where did their America go?

2) The past midterm elections was very sad. The democrats have relinquished
power in the House of Representatives which is a huge blow to the Obama
administration. He will now actually now have to shmooze with enemy to get
things passed. Even harder now that he has opposition in his own party. (way
to back your party see point 1) The fact of the matter is enthusiasm that people
felt in voting for our first black president ended in 2008. It is perfectly clear to
me now that most of Obama's backing came from voters who either are not
knowledgable of the workings of government or just wanted a black president.
Those same voter dropped the ball of not coming out to vote for there local
officials to ease the passing of their president's policies. It was your job to
vote to keep YOUR president in full power. Which leads me to my next point.

3)Dancing with The Stars. Bristol Palin's weak dancing ass beat out Brandy
in the head to head battle royale on primetime TV. I really don't watch it but
an interesting dynamic is emerging in front of our eyes and most of us do not
realize it. Since it's birth on MTV reality TV has captured the minds and hearts
of it's viewers. Unfortunately  the not known to most of the viewers is that the
event are partially, if not entirely, scripted. With the millions tuning in to watch
DWTS we are seeing "reality" being authored to serve a purpose.  An often
personal one. The senior Palin introduced her own "reality" show I'm sure with
hopes of gaining the hearts and minds of real everyday Americans....which
excludes me and brown people like me.

It's not racist... it's...reality. And the truth is ugly. Life is not scripted into
comical situations where at the end of the episode life is good for all involved.
Just once I'd like to see myself have the existence that I have seen on TV
since I was a child. But I do not. I have reality TV in the form of day to day
life. Often controlled by people who struggle to control a fabricated life....just
to make it seem there is something I can somehow achieve, if I vote for you
of course.

Armageddon? Maybe not. Rise of stupidity? Eminent.



-- Posted Live From The  Outside World

Too Good For The Hood?

When did it all go wrong?

Remember when we celebrated when someone from our fuct up
neighborhood made it big? “That’s my cousin”, “he used to buy honeybuns
in this bodega!’ I often wonder what stories would arise about me if I went
on to greatness. “remember when dat ni**a Stress found out his girl was
cheating on Labor Day by seeing her at the block party hugged up?”
“Stress? Dat ni**a lived here?”

It’ll probably go as such. But in an effort not to make light of a sickening
trend I would like to focus on why people do this. Why do we tear people
down after they “make it”? Are you that self-lothing that you would project
your misery in the form of malicious rumors? I remember hearing stories
of Swizz Beats getting robbed when he came back to the hood. (Yeah K Swiss.
I’m from yo’ hood.) I often wonder how authentic these rumors are. ‘Cause
not for nothing some dudes just like to see you doing as bad as them.

Hood people, how ‘bout we support those that got out, stop acting like they
are the great white knight and get up get out and get something. It amazes
me how many “hustlers” need a hand. Really? Thought you extra wavey, why
you asking for help? Seems to me that these dudes lack the adaptibilty of the
world hustle and they can’t seem to get off the block.This is another thing that
keeps hood folk in the hood. They feel guilt for leaving the others behind. They
are told that they are bougie if they don’t come back. Why the fuck should you?!?!

And why should you keep it real? Shit. Real life goes on in the hood without
you when you are not around, does it start when you are there? GTFOOHWTBS!
Listen hood folk thinking of leaving. Leave! Don’t look back. Don’t feel guilty.
You made it to a better place to have better life choices. Let the mystical hood
misery mentality influence those whoever subscribe to that self loathing lifestyle.

My boys are gonna say dudes ain’t gonna like me for this one. I say good. Stop
fucking with me. Bad energy is not needed in my cypher. Cause I’m focused on
getting the fuck outta here. Now excuse me while I chase away the bikers
fucking up my mamas roses.

— Posted Live From The Outside World

Wack is Here To Stay

I can officially say that I’m old. Why? Cause I don’t get it. I’ve been DJ’n
for 15 yrs and this is the first summer where everything popular I’m playing
would never reach my iPod. In the past one or two songs would slide by
and get the nod. But 2010 I’m officailly over rap music. It is currently at a
stage where it doesn’t know whether to go pop or change all together.
Singing rappers is the thing now. Which is fine. But what’s with these
other dudes that repeat the same corny line and call it a hook. Or sound
off beat and call it playable product. Waka what the fuck? Soulja boy and
Gucci mane? Are you kids that hopped up off of zannies to realize you
are being made fun of? Yes made fun of. While you are busting your ass
tryna survive in this economy, these fools are getting rich off of you and
giving you subpar effort in creating music. They say it to you all the time.
The talk about how much shit they got and how you got none of it. Lol.
They talkin to you nigga!  These dudes are hustling you with flashy beats and
low content. Call me a hater…fine. Before I would have challenged that brain
dead, broad ass response. But now fuck it. I officially hate your music. It sucks.
It has no worth. It is damaging hip hop’s role in the music history.
Degenerating it to a flash in the pan fad. You guys are fuckin idiots and
I’ll say it to you if I met you. It’s not a south thing it’s an effort thing. Act
like you got some resposibility and give Hip Hop a classic.

Ps- I personally hold the Jah Rule phenomenon resposible for letting wack
rappers appear dope and it being cool. Thanks for leaving the door open Mr. Gotti.

— Posted Live From The Outside World

Responsibility

I feel I’m doing my part in society by expressing the views of those
who can’t speak through this medium. Even when writing these tirade
laden posts I have to think how my words will effect my reader. Yes I
want to get my point across but I also don’t want to mislead the reader
into something false and unfair. Ok, I can see how you can say, “Fam it’s
a blog. This shit is all opinion.” I will agree. But I’d like to think my opinions
are based on some logical, well-thought out base theory. Mostly common
sense.

Due to the speed of which information is spread these days I don’t think
people understand the power they possess. Today you can tell every person
you have met in your life to either eat pizza or fuck off. 15 years ago that
would be  a lot of phone calls. So how do you go about conducting yourself
over these self intrusive networks? Easy. As my college communication
professor would tell me cut the electronic umbilical cord. Man up bitches
and don’t answer.

This applies to all forms of communication especially social networking
sites.  If you must. Click the like button. Show reserve on commenting
on Sherry’s mothers table cloth dress. Hard to do isn’t it? I know. I’m
the worst offender. I comment on everything from bad wigs to tooth decay.
So I saw the difference when I stopped participating. Less comment on my
page trickling down to less interaction and desire to contact me about nothing.
This rule can work on phones to. Don’t answer. I will stare at a ringing cell.
Why do I want to be so accessable? Am I legally obligated to be on the other
side of the line when someone calls? I laugh when someone tells me they
called and I didn’t answer. Fuck yeah! So I’m supposed to stop laying dudes
down in COD2 so you can blab about nothing? You, my friend are impeding
on my rights. My favorite is ” I texted you. Why didn’t you respond?”.
Really? The fuck I look like a Justin Beiber Twitter following preteen?

Dare to be different and stop sucking on the “look at me” teet of social networking.

A Letter to Senator Eric Adams

Sen. Adams,

First I would like to say I have long watched your career and I am a
supporter of you and your policies. At first I was hesitant to hear what
you had to say on issues in the community but I see that maybe your
ideals are not misguided and you really do care about my community.
When I say my community I mean the young African American community.
You see sir, I am a hard working college grad still living in the heart of
the Bronx. I could have left a long time ago, but this is home. And I see
the social issues you are addressing head on. Namely, the “NO SAG”
campaign.

At first , I rolled my eyes and thought to myself, “ Is this another C.
Delores Tucker alienating a generation because of a waving finger?”
But being older now I see that you mean well, but you are a bit out of
touch with the” head on” tactics. To be clear, I as well do not like seeing
the ass cheeks of our young men, and think it is very foolish and degrading
to our people. But I feel the mainstream subconscious spin will not reach the
youth. Let me suggest a few tactics for reaching the youth.

1-     Go where they are first. – Don’t bum rush them on TV. Do you think
you will gain enemies or friends by declaring war on the “sag”? Instead of a
press conference with all local media, go national Senator! 106 and Park, MTV,
the kids are there. I’m sure when they realize the origins of the trend you will
reach more of them. Honey NOT vinegar sir .

2-     After the kids are behind you and they see that they you are on their side,
and want to help them change their opportunistically barren surroundings, the
ideas of change will spread.

3-     Commit Senator. Our community already does not trust politicians. To see
another person in power start a program with a high buzz and then forget about
it is a momentum killer. Our community problems are deeper than most, and
the commitment to the issues are potentially life long.

Again, I’m not in the business of tearing down what you are doing. You were on
the front lines on the streets of NY and now in Washington. You are our voice.
I just have concern with the portrayal of you in the eyes of our future and to
those outside your party pointing and laughing.  Bottom line the kids need
someone to believe in and need not to be spoken down to. God Bless, and
good luck on your future endeavors.  

Train Etiquette

Living in New York you have to succumb to a few necessary evils. One
such Pandora’s box is the NYC Subway system. A serious rider for 20 + years,
I’ve seen it all. It still bugs me to this day people do shit on the train, which in
their mind, they consider acceptable. Here are a few scenarios which I have
actually seen and experienced that will help you think about your actions.

Grooming: NY is nonstop hustle. So I can understand an occasional lotion
break or eye boogie check. Once you start applying makeup such as mascara
and compound you start to head into that gray area. Shaving, WTF? Hair combing,
not near me. Spare me your cooka bugs. Nail filing and clipping, do that shit at
home for real. Bottom line if you can leave parts of your body behind DON’T DO IT!

Seat etiquette: Some NYers lack common sense. Case and point,
pregnant women and the crowded train. Don’t be a dick, give her your seat. In
defense of some of you guys be wary of the chicks with big guts. Their lack of
Pilates training will have you giving up your well earned seat.

Next, the fat guy and the three seater. If a fat dude is on one end and
someone is one the other end, do not squeeze in between ‘em. Stand.
You are just making a slightly uncomfortable ride unbearable for three people.
Furthermore, if your ass is the size of two asses do NOT squeeze your ass into
the space of one butt cheek. PLEASE!  It kills me how some woman envision
themselves as slim assed. They sit on you with a butt cheek on your hip then
look at you like YOU sat there. Bitch get your fat ass up. You know better.

Lastly my pet peeve. I unfortunately have broad shoulders so sitting next to
me on a crowed train sucks. I try to sit next to the end so I only have to deal
with one person. But I still get the asshole who thinks you can miraculously
shrink your self. So they squeeze then end up laying on you. I always elbow
shove to the front and lean forward to let them know I’m no fuckin’ mattress.

Drug use: Ho Lee Shit. Let me tell you I’ve seen everything from line snorting
to drinking binges. I don’t care what you do. Just don’t fuck with me or my
nostrils.

Smells: Most people wash there ass. But some don’t. Please wash. Sour milk
breathon the guy next to you is not pleasant but understandable. But if you
stink to high hell do not get on. That’s all. Gum & deodorant. Do us and
yourself a favor.

As you can see I could go on but I think this will be a growing experience.
‘Till next time.

The Black Guy

Racism in America Ep.One
Courtesy of Reckless Tortuga

It has happened to the best of us. You are in the office and you
overhear a conversation. To colleagues are discussing a mundane
event and one mentions a name. ” John”, “John who?”, ” Black John.”
“oh Black John”. Look I’m not gonna get into a tirade about labels
with this one. Lord knows I’ve done it. But one thing that is inescapable
is the fact that is if you are the only man of color in the office you will be
labeled as ‘the black guy.’

Now with this being said there are certain things that some folks feel is
acceptable which are not. To help both parties I’ve created a cheatsheet:

1- High fives, giving skin, fist bumps with optional blow it ups, are not
acceptable if not initiated by the black guy.

2-Assuming basketball is the sport of choice. The black guy might be a
hockey phenom but a misguided comment might void his appearance on
the company team.

3- Race jokes. We don’t like race jokes about anyone but white guys. And
when we say that we mean mostly Republican, backwoods, rednecks.
AKA Klansmen.

4- Assuming our highest level of education is High School.  (personal pet peeve)
Can’t count how many times people look at me surprised when they hear I have
a college education. WTF?!!!

5- The angry black man. Ok this one is tricky. Black men, please practice resolve
in the office. It’s nonthreatening when a white guy gets mad in the cubicle but
for some reason 911 gets called when we raise our voices. Can’t call it. I’ve seen
it many times. White guys just walk away and allow themselves to be cool. So,
Black guys leave and take a walk.

As a worthy note to my brothers: You will be blamed for things. I know in an
office setting blame placing is commonplace. Even more so if you’re the black
guy. Sorry to tell some of my good white friends this but the odds are not in
our favor. I’ve been in situations where I was blamed for things months after
I have moved on. Really? How to handle this? CYA. (cover your ass). Best policy
in the book. They can’t sink you if your arguement is air tight.

If you are new to the corporate workforce and are reading this I hope you take
these things to heart.

— Posted Live From The Outside World