GTFOOHWTBS AWARDS 2013

The hits don’t quit. It seems like every year the fuckery all stars 
hit me with a plethora of BS to go through and choose the most
poignant pieces of self gratitude, sloth, and but plain rachetness. 
So like always heeeere we go…..

10.  Kanye West

This one hurt me cause I have nothing but love for the homey.
His album was different, not bad to me. He seeded up one of the
fattest asses in the game. I didn’t even bat an eye when he protested
his fair share in the fashion world. I get it. Certain professions do cater
to a cookie cutter type to justify its ideals. But in normal Ye fashion he
bashes his way in by force…and now he’s really rubbing people the
wrong way. Ye, the only way you got on this list is because of your
interview etiquette. Don’t let “George Bush doesn’t like black people”
get drowned out by “You ain’t got the answers Sway!!” Get at me for
some unbiased constructive criticism, Ye. 

 

9. The GOP

Christ on a cracker these guys are relentless. They forgot how elections
and laws work. A little bit of media machine and old slave money they
launched an “Obama is the End of Merrica” campaign. How do you try
to repeal a signed law when you do not have the power to do so? Shut
down the government. Shouts to Obama, you cool muthaphuka. He
called their bluff and exposed their grade school behavior by making
them turn purple when they held their breath in protest. Nice work. 

8. The Harlem Shake Redux

I love how the hood finds out late that the internet took something
of theirs and makes it a sensation all the while completely changing
the original.  Let’s get it straight… I don’t even know why it was called
the Harlem Shake to begin with so I will take offense to that craze
being called that. I had to explain to people that whatever that thing
was it wasn’t the original. To which I had to provide proof. Thank you
for yet again erasing a piece of our culture and tell us what it should be.  

7. Miley Cyrus

What a year for this chick. In one year she invents twerking (even
though the Ying Yang Twins rapped about it 15 yrs ago ), molests
Robin Thicke, and becomes a chart-topping rapper. ( I just threw
up on my iPad ). She is the model of young women everywhere.
They followed her through the bipolar Hannah Montana phase.
Now its the ‘slutty, hang with Black people to prove I’m cool, aww
shit I hope my pastor doesn’t see this’ phase. Stay tuned to
Privileged People Problems in 2014!!!

6. Angry Chris Brown

This dude right here needs a hug. But apparently that’s how that
club fight with Drake broke out. (Ha) Chrissy, I wasn’t too judgmental
when you beat the snot out of Rihanna. Not like you should beat a
woman. I saw you more of a misguided young man repeating the
actions of his abusive father. Mistakes can be forgiven. But Christ! 
You have no remorse or accountability for anything. So there goes
my theory of you being influenced. Do you know if you had the money
of the rest of us had you’d be doing some time for assault? Of course
you do, that’s why you threw a fit in anger management camp with
your mother. Grow the fuck up Chrissy! You heading towards nobody
island with Ray J and Riff Raff. 

 
5. Waiting on line for sneakers 

Fam, I don’t like to wait on line for FREE shit. So it bugs me out
when I see dudes camped out over night to cop the new Lebrons
or Jordan’s, in the cold, in the rain, on a hot summer’s night. We
all have our subculture obsession, but I would never wait overnight
for anything other than money. Some do sell them for thousands on
Ebay, that’s cool. But if you are just going to keep them in a closet
boxed up and wear them once a year…you need a more productive
hobby.

4. Jordan Obsession. 

It has almost been 30 years since the first pair of Air Jordan’s hit
the shelves. Fast forward to 2013 and it is still the most desirable
item in the hood. So desirable dudes would scrap in a mall for a pair
of the Gamma Blue 11s. So desirable a dude will perform cunnilingus
on it instead his girlfriend. I will say this once….. Stop throwing your
money away! Especially now that Miley Cyrus is co-signing it in her
songs. You guys embarrass me.  They call us liquid money you DO
know that. Invest. Become REAL CEO’s!!!! Think outside of record 
labels & T-shirt lines. Think Management, Think Science, Think of
anything else…..PLEASE THINK.

3. Megyn Kelly

How this bird still has a job is amaaaaaaazing. I’ve been to school for
journalism and the Fox crew are some of the worst in the industry.
The only thing worse than them jumping all over the Obama administration
for the Bengazi attacks(which was based on a false report), was this
chick stating that Santa can’t be black, because he’s white. So is Jesus.
Who needs to take the wheel at this point. I was taught to respect all
peoples’ views. But I can’t let this slide. You ma’am are a dumbass.
Megyn my dear, Santa can be anyone to a kid. Why? Because he is
fantasy. Same way the 47 Ronin stars Keanu Reeves. Polynesian
ancestry is close enough. In a way, I’m happy you said it. So people
can see how bigoted you are. 

2. Saggy Skinny Jeans

So skinny jeans are enforcing my rather manly frame to search
for clothes outside of H&M. No sleep lost. I need room in my pants.
What bugs me out are the dudes who sag them. Actually I couldn’t
call it sagging when the belt is underneath your butt cheeks. I seen
a dude in a snow storm last month with frost on his drawers. LOL.
I dunno man. I haven’t been in High School for years. I guess this
is whats up now. It’s just an invite to be butt hugged to me. Funny
shit is these dudes still do it knowing it has roots in prison culture.
AGAIN…..ITS AN INVITE. If i was gay I’d be mad that these androgynous
boys are false advertising. Eh at least the pervs get eye candy. The
price we are paying for Hip Hop’s Hair Band era. Look up Whitesnake
youngins.

1. George Zimmerman

He got off. Never have I ever been so disgusted with our justice
system. Because a teenage boy threatened a grown ass man, the
life taken was deemed justifiable. Thanks America. Thank you for
giving these scary people a precedent to kill Black men out of fear that
they “might” do something. This is the beginning of something ugly
that will breed more violence. Several black people were shot and killed
after the incident because of justifiable fear. Is it fear or guilt? Guilt that
Black folks still struggle to put money in there pockets and food on the
table because of societies oppressive structure? Are you scared of the Black
guy in your office getting violent because of years of being passed over for
promotions? It’s a pain and reality only people of color can see. This trial
just solidified our worth to the American public.  Which it seems as close
to nothing. Our former president has done twenty times worse than Trayvon
had. Trayvon’s only crime was being Black on this piece of shits watch. I
hope you get dick cancer Georgie.

Notable Mentions:

George Zimmerman - The Sequel -  This jackass pulled his hammer on his wife and girlfriend months after being acquitted for murdering Trayvon Martin. Yeah,rumor has it that she was looking into her own house suspiciously.(that was a joke)

Juror B29 - The Zimmerman case ruined YOUR life? My dear hindsight is a bitch. Wanting to go home is not the reason for letting a man free for a murder you still feel he committed. I was not in that room when you 12 were deliberating so I cannot attest to your alliance. One thing though, I would not have budged. No one would have seem their families until justice for Trayvon was handed down. I guess thats why I never get picked for jury duty. In 2013 going to 2014 it’s still JUST US!

Juror B37 - You should be ashamed of yourself for trying to profit off of this tragedy. A book deal? Really? I’m glad the Twitterverse shut you down.

GTFOOHWTBS AWARDS 2012

Holy Shit has it been a year already?!?!? Well you know what that means. Another list of the lowest, dumbest, stereotypical, bunch of lowlifes and their actions. Soooo without further a due…….

 

10. Mitt Romney - Thank Joe Smith this dude did not make the cut. For a brief moment
I thought the need for anybody other than the black guy was gonna force the anti-young on us. Way too close. Middle America you’re on notice. 

 

9. Pink Friday Perfume - Since when did they find the scent of whore, bubble gum, and schizophrenia a pleasurable aroma. Thank you for making tweens smell like Sue’s Rendezvous after Thursday night amateur rounds. I will never look at another sexy school girl outfit AGAIN. 

 

8. Public Massacres - seems like every kid with a bully or social issues is letting bullets rain down with a mighty vengeance. What makes me think is that these massacres happen in Small Town, USA where “this type of thing never happens”. Well it did. Instead of pointing the finger at people, politicians need to intelligently modify gun laws. Assault weapons should be off limits. And I love bussin’ guns. But assault riffles for deer hunting?  Gun nuts please with the ‘Obama taking my freedoms’ shit.  Take a knee for the dumb freaks messing it up for everybody. .  

 

 7. Conservatives - Seems only natural that these guys are next. Lets be clear. Humans should be allowed to be who they are. It’s crazy how a basic freedom which is wide is forced to stick to a dogma that bans things that don’t effect you directly. Like gay marriage. If you are not gay, why does it bother you that they wanna get hitched? Aziz Ansari said it best, if they want to ban gay marriage I should be able to ban tight shirt douche bags with spikey hair from the club cause in reality it is just an excuse to stick it to them. 

 

6. Clint Eastwood - Oh,you senile bag of bones. Talking to the Obama chair and actually hearing something back. Very amusing but like the chair your party’s platform was empty with a bunch of words and ideas you thought you heard. What? What was that? Rick Perry was your only hope?

 

5. Chris Brown & Rihanna - As much as I love to see this chick naked I would really love to see her explain the inevitable f*ckery bound to ensue. Chris you are being watched. The “falling into the doorknob ” excuse might not work. Thank god for foundation. 

 

4. Smartphone Beef - I feel like I’m arguing what’s better,  PS3 or XBox. If I have one more person tell me I should get rid of my phone for another brand, my head will explode. Hey fanboy, maybe the phone I have works fine. There are too many options. I found my fav. Go give your expert advice to someone who gives a sh*t. 

 

3. Waiting On Line - this year I saw 3 separate lines in 3 separate months for kicks. I also saw a dude waiting online for the iPad mini days after Super Storm Sandy. Black Friday brought in its own line madness. Bottom line, there is NO product worth risking health or sleep for that matter. Not unless it is the last bag of rice on earth. 

 
2. Trinidad James - Holy Sh*t Sandwich Batman! It’s crazy when you see a rap video for the first time and you think it’s a parody. Then you get that cold chill and  knot in your stomach when you realize it’s not. I have not hid my feelings on the state of Hip Hop and I won’t expound here. It is now going to be the malnourished child with cleft lip up next. Don’t believe me just watch. 

 
1.  George Zimmerman - I’d like to extent a big F*ck You to this waste of space. Not only did he
get tossed by a teenager, who happened to be black. He shot the kid in self defense. After the police told him to leave him the victim alone. Scared for your life, George? You chose to stand your ground after you harassed a young man walking to a grocery store for snacks? I hope they put this dude in with some of Dade County’s meanest. If he walks I’m encouraging black hammer usage. Why? Cause I’ll be damned if I get popped at because of a misunderstanding. Way toooo many times, WAY tooo many.

GTFOOHWTBS Awards 2011

10- Rebecca Black - A firm example of how brilliant young Americans are. Pop radio ran this song into submission. And teenage girls ate it up. But by doing this they birthed yet another celebutante. Bravo geniuses.


9-Kim Kardashian - Speaking of celebutantes, our favorite big booty brother lover Kim K tied the knot and was then divorced a lil’ under three months. The whole mega million dollar wedding was just a ploy to get money and recognition. Wow. Kim you could’ve just fuct Brandon Jacobs on the MetLife 50 yard line.


8- Ray J - This dude is so lame I dug deep in my past known slang bank and brought back the word Herb just to describe this mofo. Why u making up shit about smacking Fab?  Then have the nerve to preach on how you got goons? Listen man. There is no need. Keep your threats to the yacht club pool boys and concierge.


7- The Republican Party
Obama says yes we can. They say no you can’t. He says health care for everyone. They say let them die. He says let’s rebuild our own country. They say, ‘with who’s money?’ He says pancakes are delicious they say I’d rather eat sardines and sanka. He says we are all Americans they say go back to your country darkie.


6-The Democratic party
They just say, “Yes pledge master may I have another?” You red bummed sadists. Grow a sack will ya?!


5-Rap beats that go nowhere. Oh my dear lord. If I have to hear another song that has cinematic over hyped intros that lead into a two note loop I will off myself.


4- The LA judicial system. So you are telling me with a expensive lawyer I can get out of jail for anything short of murder. Really?  If this isn’t abuse of the system I don’t know what is. And the funny thing is people are ok with this. Jail time works for Lindsey. Shit she hasn’t been in a movie in 3 years and she got the Playboy cover.


3-OWS.  I was riding for you guys. I was there the first day you showed up in Zuccotti. I have video of the barechested hippie chicks screaming to take back Wall Street. But alas,the movement fizzled as quickly as it began. Where’s your Ghandi, your Dr. King? You do need a leader or martyr. These fat cats will not take you seriously.


2-Tebowing. Wtf. When did kneeling in reverence to the Lord become equated to Tim Tebow. Just because this ultra Christian QB is the face of the Conservative America? Tebow I like you, but I can name at least 7 QBs  better than you. And not for nothing you should be pissed they are calling your kneeling Tebowing. Isn’t that false idol worship? Jus’ saying.


1- Love & Hip Hop/Basketball Wives phenomenon
If there is anything that can set a people back as a whole, it’s these two shows. Premise: get catty Black women together in a confined area, make them interact, record and air the calamity. The many defenders of this show love it because of the drama and “characters”. I see it yet another way to portray us as volatile,hot tempered,sex driven individuals. Hey it makes for good TV though. The formula has even spilled over into other reality genres. Find two black women that don’t like each other and let them fight it out. Oh well, I guess we need something to watch while we are all on the couch after being turned down for work because of an image assessment. Guilty by association? Naaaaah.

GTFOOHWTBS AWARDS 2010

10-The Rise of Hip Pop
Last year I wrote about autotune not knowing the evolution of Hip Pop had arrived.
I realized it when I saw young white girls crying because someone bilked them out
of money for a Nicki Minaj concert. (Nozzle to mouth pulls trigger.)

9-Kanye and Jay Z conspiracy
I haven’t seen such blatant black man ripping since Obama’s birth certificate
was put into question. Now I listen to all theories on the new world order, but do
you really think the old white men would let Kanye and Jigga  Man into their elite
club of world domination and world economy tinkering?  If anything it is another
ploy by old white men to yet again tear down successful black men. No? Prove me
otherwise. Until then, I don’t buy it.

8-No Sag Campaign
I realized this year that I really fund these asshole politicians and their asinine
and mostly misguided campaigns against public indecency.  I’d much rather they
start a campaign for police sensitivity training than a monitor for the annual teenage
fad. Thanks for wasting your time and tax payer money Senator Adams.

7-The WTC Mosque Controversy.
Remember this ? It was all the talk of the nation this year. The outrage over
the audacity Muslim worshipers having a place to practice their faith so close
to Ground Zero and the tittie bar. Guess what? After all that hubbub and Koran-burning
threats, they are still building it. Where are all those angry Americans now?

6-Fantasia’s Suicide Attempt
Watt D Fok! Fantasia, I remember being moved listening to sing on AI. I
thought you would take it to the game. But like many of our entertainers you
have to keep it real. Did you not learn from Dave Chappelle? Leave the hood
alone. Shit. Why must you go out of your way to prove how down you are.
Sad thing it didn’t work and you found yourself like the female Jaheim. So
what do you do to gain the attention of the audience you lost? You fake a
suicide. Ok maybe not fake, just a poorly attempted suicide. Shit the next
week she was on Oprah hyping her album. It’s a miracle!  Redemption in
a week. Yesssssss.

5-Technics Turntables Being Discontinued ( Stress’ Personal Beef)
I blame all you fake laptop DJ’s out there. Learn your craft and stop giving
away the secrets of hip hop you worthless sacks of camel balls.

4-The Democratic Party
Thanks for giving the president your undivided support. Now that you no longer
have the majority in the House, lets see how much your issues will be valued. Nice
way to back up you party’s leader. With your bickering about health care reform, WTC
Worker payouts and the tax break and unemployment extension, lets see how much
Obama has to ultimately bend. It’s like having T.O. on your already struggling squad,
with a proven superstar. ( sorry Bengals.) For shame, for fronting like all citizen needs
are being addressed when you all are worried about keeping your jobs. Cause let’s face
it, unemployment stats are harsh. Dust off them resumes Dems.


3-Soulja Boy caught loving up Kat Stacks
Oh dis nigga here. Not only was your swag severely gimped when you was caught huggin
up with this chick, but your age showed through. Listen lil g ( and I use that loosely) stop
hugging up these birds. You got burnt by the video and probably in the pants. She outed
your cocaine use, while you was in the bathroom. Wasn’t she on a HIV positive dating site.
Hoax? Do u really want to take a chance? Sorry fam. My love muscle is going now where
near that chick. As for you and yours. GO SEE THE DOCTOR!!!!!!!

2-The Sarah Palin Show
This is why other countries don’t like us. The majority of us are fuckin stupid. With
our toy dogs and complaining about the lack of cashiers at Starbucks. Then we let
our politicians play with our minds by watching them have potato sack races and
murder turkeys… Wait wrong footage. Anyway, if you do not see through this attempt
for party influence, u my friend are a sheep.

1-President Obama Hating
Ok. I know people who legitimately did not like Obama as a leader before
he came to term. Still I wonder would we have been better off with McCain
and Palin?’ Let’s look at the good Obama has done. Bailed out the tanking
economy, Universal healthcare passed, set up a nuclear peace treaty with
Russia, do ask don’t tell in the sack ( couldn’t resist), gave tax extensions
to the rich but got unemployment extended …. Lets face it this guys a fucking
rockstar. Well, to the rest of the world. Not here. Here he is another black guy
trying to prove validity in his decisions because he is inherently unfit to lead.
Oh and black folk tearing him down, good job. You are the reason there are
no “valid” black politicians. I would run for public office but I’d have to remove
the daggers from my back. Sensibility dies yet again.

The GTFOOHWTBS Awards 2009

Top 10 most annoying and asinine events of 2009 as through the eyes of Stress!!!

10- The Kardadhians. OK I get it. You guys are real people with real
problems even though you’re obscenely rich. Can I be honest here? I
only watch this show with tissues and a bottle of Jergens on the night
stand. My ménage a quatre runs wild. Yeah moms can get it too.

9- Autotune in Reggae. I love dancehall. The island boy in me can’t get
enough. But this ugly Yankee trend has infiltrated the most purest of dancehall.
I guess us American kids are good for something.

8- Republicans & Democrats. One side bashes the new prez on every
issue, even though 13 months ago they was screaming that anyone that
doesn’t support the prez is Anti-American. The other side are a bunch of
pussies who bend on every stance THEY suggest. Welcome to Clusterfuckia!

7-Tiger’s Harem- Now I can smile when I address this dude as Mr. Woods.
LOL. But how the fuck did these hoes get famous and make money. One even
had the nerve to go on prime time to confess how she felt betrayed by Tiger.
Oh “he lied to me.” Bitch you fucked a married man and knew the deal.
One word…Gold digger.

How the hell you save text messages that long?


6- Shocking Celebrity Deaths. - Yo we lost Captain EO, the
Roadhouse bouncer, and the politest dude on earth this year.
Plus my snowflake crush from HS, Britney Murphy. Damn. Bad
year to be a celeb.

5- Hip Hop’s Life Span or Demise - OK we can spend hours
debating this as I have online in forums. The conclusion is that
the weak complain the strong make an effort to change. Which
side are you on?


4- BET - Shucking and jiving into number 4 on my list. As a black man who is
pretty active on issues, I’ve watched approximately 7 hours of it’s programming
collectively this year. Why? Because I’m tired of having a network run by non
alike people telling me I should drink, smoke weed, and fuck bitches all day.
Then they have the nerve to have commercials for quick loans and gospel hits.
This station does need Jesus.


3-Music Industry Beef. It has gone from valid claims of lyrical
supremacy to attempts to boost album sales. It has even taken
over the minds of r&b artist like Trey Songs, Neyo and R Kelly. All
of whom had their own mixtape or mixtape appearances this year.
Really? Sounds like Friday Night Sissy Fights. Where’s Dave Chappelle
when you need him?


2- I was gonna mention Jon and Kate Gosselin. Besides them both being
media whores, I have found a bigger offender. Kate’s hair. Watt D Phyuck?!?
It looks like a break dancing peacock is holding the world’s longest freeze on
her head. Kate, I hope you got some delicious Muchentuchen and a bottle of
Fizzy Bobala with that visit to Zohan’s  shop.

AND NOW …… The moment you’ve been waiting for.

1-AT&T

Dear AT&T,
I’ve been a customer for over ten years and you have served me well.
That is until I purchased an iPhone from you. First I want to say I didn’t
spaz when it crashed the first month I had it. I didn’t even get mad at you
when I had to deal with the snobby, hipster, punk bitch, customer service
rep. That was Apple’s fault. (If I find you Evan I’m gonna attach a car battery
to a piercing of my choice.)

I just want to know why hold the rights and sell this great product if you
can’t support it? Are you guys really that out of touch? Apple is cutting edge
tech. You really did not expect the data streaming to be that heavy? Really?
I wanted to get some money taking off of my bill for the late voice mail
postings and dropped calls, but as I was explaining this to your rep…the
call was dropped. AT&T you are the worst of the worst. But then again.
I’m not downgrading to a crackberry. So you fucking win again.
I hope you feel good about yourself.

                                                                                                 
Your Digitally Dependent Piss-on,
                                                                                                                      
Stress

— Posted Live From The Outside World