The Engagement Party

So this is my first go at this and I’m as green as a city kid on a ranch.
I didn’t know that there were so many different do’s and don’ts with not just
the wedding, but with the time leading up to the wedding. The engagement
party was my first taste of these trials. My forever girlfriend (I hate saying
fiancé ) and I wanted to celebrate our pending union with our friends and
family. Thing is my age group is still into the club/bar scene and the precarious
task of balancing my friends and close family was more challenging than I
thought. We knew our folks wouldn’t be comfortable at a crowded bar or
lounge. So in the end we decided to split the engagement party into two.
One for the younger crowd and the next one more family oriented.

As she did her thing with the first venue all I saw was dollar signs. “Dear God,”
I thought ” We didn’t even get to the wedding planning.” I was already exhausted.
I soon realized as much as your woman can say weddings and other stuff is not that
important it goes out the window when it becomes hers. Oh and forgot one detail. My
woman is an event planner by trade. (Holy Pewter Linen Batman) The level of
questions and detail required to pull off this event had the party goers ready, salivating
even for the main event. An event we are committed to make memorable. 

All in all, both parties came off without a hitch. First one in a bar lounge second
at a state park. While I was earlier bitching about the dough spent on the events,
we pulled it off and still maximized the dollar. The experience made me realize how
important communication is in our relationship. Sounds corny but it helped to limit
our expectations and compromise on alternate ways of  achieving a goal. It also
showed me how to not get caught up with the little things and enjoy the moments
leading up to the event. Because there is less than 150 days till the date. Yeah
Team Stress !!  

GTFOOHWTBS AWARDS 2012

Holy Shit has it been a year already?!?!? Well you know what that means. Another list of the lowest, dumbest, stereotypical, bunch of lowlifes and their actions. Soooo without further a due…….

 

10. Mitt Romney - Thank Joe Smith this dude did not make the cut. For a brief moment
I thought the need for anybody other than the black guy was gonna force the anti-young on us. Way too close. Middle America you’re on notice. 

 

9. Pink Friday Perfume - Since when did they find the scent of whore, bubble gum, and schizophrenia a pleasurable aroma. Thank you for making tweens smell like Sue’s Rendezvous after Thursday night amateur rounds. I will never look at another sexy school girl outfit AGAIN. 

 

8. Public Massacres - seems like every kid with a bully or social issues is letting bullets rain down with a mighty vengeance. What makes me think is that these massacres happen in Small Town, USA where “this type of thing never happens”. Well it did. Instead of pointing the finger at people, politicians need to intelligently modify gun laws. Assault weapons should be off limits. And I love bussin’ guns. But assault riffles for deer hunting?  Gun nuts please with the ‘Obama taking my freedoms’ shit.  Take a knee for the dumb freaks messing it up for everybody. .  

 

 7. Conservatives - Seems only natural that these guys are next. Lets be clear. Humans should be allowed to be who they are. It’s crazy how a basic freedom which is wide is forced to stick to a dogma that bans things that don’t effect you directly. Like gay marriage. If you are not gay, why does it bother you that they wanna get hitched? Aziz Ansari said it best, if they want to ban gay marriage I should be able to ban tight shirt douche bags with spikey hair from the club cause in reality it is just an excuse to stick it to them. 

 

6. Clint Eastwood - Oh,you senile bag of bones. Talking to the Obama chair and actually hearing something back. Very amusing but like the chair your party’s platform was empty with a bunch of words and ideas you thought you heard. What? What was that? Rick Perry was your only hope?

 

5. Chris Brown & Rihanna - As much as I love to see this chick naked I would really love to see her explain the inevitable f*ckery bound to ensue. Chris you are being watched. The “falling into the doorknob ” excuse might not work. Thank god for foundation. 

 

4. Smartphone Beef - I feel like I’m arguing what’s better,  PS3 or XBox. If I have one more person tell me I should get rid of my phone for another brand, my head will explode. Hey fanboy, maybe the phone I have works fine. There are too many options. I found my fav. Go give your expert advice to someone who gives a sh*t. 

 

3. Waiting On Line - this year I saw 3 separate lines in 3 separate months for kicks. I also saw a dude waiting online for the iPad mini days after Super Storm Sandy. Black Friday brought in its own line madness. Bottom line, there is NO product worth risking health or sleep for that matter. Not unless it is the last bag of rice on earth. 

 
2. Trinidad James - Holy Sh*t Sandwich Batman! It’s crazy when you see a rap video for the first time and you think it’s a parody. Then you get that cold chill and  knot in your stomach when you realize it’s not. I have not hid my feelings on the state of Hip Hop and I won’t expound here. It is now going to be the malnourished child with cleft lip up next. Don’t believe me just watch. 

 
1.  George Zimmerman - I’d like to extent a big F*ck You to this waste of space. Not only did he
get tossed by a teenager, who happened to be black. He shot the kid in self defense. After the police told him to leave him the victim alone. Scared for your life, George? You chose to stand your ground after you harassed a young man walking to a grocery store for snacks? I hope they put this dude in with some of Dade County’s meanest. If he walks I’m encouraging black hammer usage. Why? Cause I’ll be damned if I get popped at because of a misunderstanding. Way toooo many times, WAY tooo many.

The Voice Of The People

 

The voice of the people.
That term has been used so much that the voice is really a caw in a flock of birds.
Bloggers with inferiority complexes, hipsters on gorilla, and dudes that just need a
hug are behind some of the most poignant commentary and Freedom of Speech speeches.
In this age of self generated information everyone has the power to start movements and
well as end them. With this year quickly coming to an end the masses flock to their friend,
the PC to purchase and stay in touch. Believe it or not we are in a historic era in human
history. The Information Age. Never before was it possible to share the level of info across
the globe.  But to what end? What aim? What target ?

Let’s take the OWS movement. The settlers in Zucatti Park organized mostly via social
networking. The like minded protestors got together and rallied for 40+ days for various
causes from the abuse of the 99% to the corruption of the US Corrections policy. While
well motivated and carried out it quickly got out of hand with the infiltration of anarchist
nut jobs and just plain homeless dudes looking for a place to blend in. I saw how the
message of unfair treatment of the middle and lower class turned into a circus of anyone
who had a beef with the government for any reason. The scene looked like a living
comments portion of a online news story. Commentary outshining the main objective
which was giving the common American a fair economic shake.

It is a sign of the times. The look at me generation. The I’m special generation. The I
shouldn’t feel defeat generation. It’s a crop of self righteous, legend in your own mind,
cry babies. Do you really think that you make a difference? Then ask yourself to what
level of your comfort ability Are you willing to sacrifice? Your cable subscription? Your
MacBook Pro? It takes more than snarky comments on blogs and marketed signs.
With the spread of ideas comes the responsibility of cultivating the seeds you plant. If not,
you are an absentee parent letting your ideas run amuck.  You are actively negligent in
thinking that others will hold your idea in the same reverence that you envisioned.  

You are part of the problem. This not to spur commentary. This is written to spark
action. So get from behind your signs and blogs, find a focus, and stick to it. 

Opposable Thumbs

On the wake of Gabby Douglas’ gold medal winning performance of the individual event in

the 2012 Summer Olympics, the commenting elite give us their unique brand of ignorance.
Never mind that she is the first black gymnast to win this event. The focus was, of course,
on her hair. “How she couldnt find another hairdresser in London or bring her own stylist
with her?”

Really? Really ?!?!?

It’s shit like that that makes me want to disassociate myself with my race. We can’t even

be celebratory of a once in a lifetime event without somehow tearin it down. To those
dumb bitches who tweeted those comments, find a purpose in life. Recognize achievement.
Overstand the years of preparation, hardship, and drive that was necessary for Gabby to get
there at just 16. Must sting to see that while you were ready to give birth to your second

child at that age. Bottom line, don’t throw rocks at greatness when you have only achieved
minor life goals. Learn to be great and support and promote it within our community. I will
forever defend it and call out dumb asses making us look foolish as a whole. Hair!?
GTFOOHWTBS.

Broom Jumper

Yup, the kid is taking himself off the market. No more Destro. (Manifesto inside joke)
No more clubs with more rub than a strip club. I’m settling down. It’s not been that
hard being I’ve been in serious relationships in the past few years. What’s hard is
planning this celebration.

What has become painfully obvious is that Black matrimony has very limited resources.
Call it the haze of new beginnings, but I actually was stoked to go out and do research
on how to do this day my way. I went to my closest bookstore to search out books, mags,
manuals on the subject and found nothing to no avail.  I realized there is not much of a
market for brothers who genuinely embrace this milestone. Damn. You mean I gotta go

it alone?!?!? Hell yes. Thus, it leads me to this….I’m letting you bums into the mind of a

black man about to get hitched. The truth. And yes ladies,  my betrothed is cool with me
writing this. So stay tuned.

Black Love?

The new year brought in a new birth for the premier couple Jay-Z and Beyonce. With
it, as what has become the norm, came commentary from every person with posable
thumbs. Some positive, but mostly negative. It ranged from their use of the maternity
ward to the name of their child. To me it’s understood that if you are a celebrity your
life is pretty much public fodder. Given the circumstances and after reading the
commentary on their new family member. I think the floor rental was justified.

I’ve heard so many rumors and nasty comments against them they might as well
had the baby on the moon. But then there’d be a rumor of the baby being a Martian. 

What happened to black love? We were once proud of it. It is the elusive Bigfoot
when seen we point and call it a monster.

The bond between woman and man and  raising a family has become a rarity.
So much so that we don’t know how to react when a black couple that really like each
other are present. Behind their back we use words like downlow or whipped. We bring
up the couples past relationships. We actively sabotage black love.  I guess my question

is where is the love for the love of others? Do you hate yourself that much that when
two people love each other you must spit fire at them? Maybe a lil more Marvin Gaye

and less Trey Songs in the approach to love. The aggressive pursuit of booty and nothing
more attitude shows that their is a part of human nature that we are afraid to tap
Love is vulnerability. And vulnerability is eaten alive in our communities. We have cannibalized
the love we give not realizing that there will be none left.

Black love…  dying of starvation. 

GTFOOHWTBS Awards 2011

10- Rebecca Black - A firm example of how brilliant young Americans are. Pop radio ran this song into submission. And teenage girls ate it up. But by doing this they birthed yet another celebutante. Bravo geniuses.


9-Kim Kardashian - Speaking of celebutantes, our favorite big booty brother lover Kim K tied the knot and was then divorced a lil’ under three months. The whole mega million dollar wedding was just a ploy to get money and recognition. Wow. Kim you could’ve just fuct Brandon Jacobs on the MetLife 50 yard line.


8- Ray J - This dude is so lame I dug deep in my past known slang bank and brought back the word Herb just to describe this mofo. Why u making up shit about smacking Fab?  Then have the nerve to preach on how you got goons? Listen man. There is no need. Keep your threats to the yacht club pool boys and concierge.


7- The Republican Party
Obama says yes we can. They say no you can’t. He says health care for everyone. They say let them die. He says let’s rebuild our own country. They say, ‘with who’s money?’ He says pancakes are delicious they say I’d rather eat sardines and sanka. He says we are all Americans they say go back to your country darkie.


6-The Democratic party
They just say, “Yes pledge master may I have another?” You red bummed sadists. Grow a sack will ya?!


5-Rap beats that go nowhere. Oh my dear lord. If I have to hear another song that has cinematic over hyped intros that lead into a two note loop I will off myself.


4- The LA judicial system. So you are telling me with a expensive lawyer I can get out of jail for anything short of murder. Really?  If this isn’t abuse of the system I don’t know what is. And the funny thing is people are ok with this. Jail time works for Lindsey. Shit she hasn’t been in a movie in 3 years and she got the Playboy cover.


3-OWS.  I was riding for you guys. I was there the first day you showed up in Zuccotti. I have video of the barechested hippie chicks screaming to take back Wall Street. But alas,the movement fizzled as quickly as it began. Where’s your Ghandi, your Dr. King? You do need a leader or martyr. These fat cats will not take you seriously.


2-Tebowing. Wtf. When did kneeling in reverence to the Lord become equated to Tim Tebow. Just because this ultra Christian QB is the face of the Conservative America? Tebow I like you, but I can name at least 7 QBs  better than you. And not for nothing you should be pissed they are calling your kneeling Tebowing. Isn’t that false idol worship? Jus’ saying.


1- Love & Hip Hop/Basketball Wives phenomenon
If there is anything that can set a people back as a whole, it’s these two shows. Premise: get catty Black women together in a confined area, make them interact, record and air the calamity. The many defenders of this show love it because of the drama and “characters”. I see it yet another way to portray us as volatile,hot tempered,sex driven individuals. Hey it makes for good TV though. The formula has even spilled over into other reality genres. Find two black women that don’t like each other and let them fight it out. Oh well, I guess we need something to watch while we are all on the couch after being turned down for work because of an image assessment. Guilty by association? Naaaaah.

The Voice Of The People.

The voice of the people.

That term has been used so much that the voice is really a caw in a
flock of birds. Bloggers with inferiority complexes, hipsters on
gorilla, and dudes that just need a hug are behind some of the most
poignant commentary and Freedom of Speech speeches. In this age of
self generated information everyone has the power to start movements
and well as end them. With this year quickly coming to an end the masses
flock to their friend, the pc to purchase and stay in touch. Believe it or
not we are in a historic era in human history. The Information Age. Never
before was it possible to share the level of info across the globe.  But to
what end? What aim? What target ?

Let’s take the OWS movement. The settlers in Zucotti Park organized
mostly via social networking. The like minded protestors got together
and rallied for 40+ days for various causes from the abuse of the 99%
to the corruption of the US Corrections policy. While well motivated and
carried out, it quickly got out of hand with the infiltration of anarchist
nut jobs and just plain homeless dudes looking for a place to blend in.
I saw how the message of unfair treatment of the middle and lower class
turned into a circus of anyone who had a beef with the government for
any reason. The scene looked like a living comments portion of a online
news story. Commentary outshining the main objective which was giving t
he common American a fair economic shake.

It is a sign of the times. The look at me generation. The I’m
special generation. The I shouldn’t feel defeat generation. It’s a
crop of self righteous, legend in your own mind, cry babies. Do you
really think that you make a difference? Then ask yourself to what
level of your comfortability Are you willing to sacrifice ?  Your
cable subscription? Your Mac book pro? It takes more than snarky
comments on blogs and markered signs.
           
With the spread of ideas comes the responsibility of cultivating the seeds
you plant. If not you are an absentee parent letting your ideas run amuck. 
You are actively negligent in thinking that others will hold your idea in the
same reverence that you envisioned.  You are part of the problem. This not
to spur commentary. This is written to spark action. So get from behind your
signs and blogs,  find a focus, and stick to it.

Creeps

I got a beef and it’s two tier. Its something I’ve noticed even as a lil dude navigating Zoo York. It’s an attitudinal epidemic in which people who think they should have a right to exercise. What is it? Let’s just call it Stank. Stank is when you are at a bus stop with a young lady you don’t know and upon you two catching each others glance she give you the “ew stop looking at me” face. Thus triggering a “wtf” response from most men who just happen to be in your line of sight.

Ok. I know you are probably reading this thinking, ” oh dis n***a got hurt feelings or something. ” Couldn’t be further from the truth. My only reason for being a bit “what the fucky” about this is that most of the chicks that participate in this practice are fuckin beat up. Is this your only defense mechanism? Do you really think every guy you meet wants to slide up in it? Let’s be real, as a man there is hardly anything you wouldn’t do. But tastes vary. Just because old Mr Johnson from 11B perv-hugs you every morning doesn’t mean we all want your dusty ass.

The epidemic is at critical mass ladies and gentlemen. A colleague of mine had it done to him by a preteen! I blame two things. Chickenhead mothers and thirsty men. Chickenhead mothers are pretty much self explanatory. No chicken or the egg riddle here. But to those palm lovin, slack jaw, pedophiles… you fucking up the game. You know, the dudes who hit on women/girls making it look innocent but have the wolf’s grin. Thinking ” maybe if I get her to talk a bit longer I can get those drawers. ”  No Man! You are working these dusty broads up into a perpetual Stank which is aimed and focused at any male that looks in their direction. Stop gassing the Stank.

So there are two things you should take from this:

A) If you are a female and you give out the Stank eye, have a convo with yourself and ask ,”was he really tryna get at me?” If you are unable to do so….well….Stank you very much, have a miserable life. Trust me I’ll remember your actions but forget you as a person.

B) if you spend most of your day chatting up chicks before the got to school or work at the bus stops, you are fueling the machine. Stop gassing.

Let’s prevent the Stank Starr!

PS: On an unrelated topic, I am actively pursuing a mandate to reinstate the term “Herb” to hip hop nomenclature. Its sole purpose is to describe the singer known as Ray J.

— Posted Live From The Outside World

OT Dreams

Ok so I have a habit of taking vacation time at the last minute forcing me to make a lot of last minute plans. Somehow still I manage to have an awesome time whether im stuck in the hood or on a beach somewhere. If you follow these steps I can guarantee a good time.


1-Always watch the deals on online travel sites
I troll the last minute deals cause I'm constantly vacation dreaming. This use of "downtime" at work will season you for potential costs, and destinations. You can get a great idea on what is within your financial reach. When you see a good deal you can then make an educated choice on a trip.

2-Compare travel sites with Airline Sites
Always compare the price of travel packages, especially between say a cheaptickets and an airline. Airlines give great packages including hotel and flight. Now is a great time to do so because the flights are expensive. They need a draw and get a bigger share of profit if they book directly with customers than going through a travel site.

3-Open Your Horizons
I can't tell you how many people I meet who don't travel just because they never been outside the five boroughs. It is sad actually. If within your budget, see the places you heard about in geography class. The world is huge. Shit... The US is HUGE!!! If the out of country trip is not your thing, explore America. Find a personal interest and then find the US epicenter. Like comics? Go to Comicon. Like Cars? Go to a car show out of town? The trip will calm and satisfy at the same time.  It's doing something that YOU want to do makes the trip. .

4-Staycation
Explore your  city. Granted I live in NYC and I can practically find different recreational activities everyday nonstop for a month and a half. Admittedly I'm numb to it all. One day I decided to do something about it.  I got a manhattan hotel, bought a I <3 NY tee and hit the streets. It was surprisingly fun as shit. Caught some shows, attractions and anything a tourists would do. The key is do what your town is famous for. If it is cow tipping...find the best farm.

5-Recommendations
I am a chronic vacation story listener. Where'd you go? Where are you goin?  The other day I heard of a quirky town in Arizona where burros roam free in the streets due to an old mining mishap. All I kept thinking was, " I gotta see this shit!". Not saying you should follow me into East Bubblefuck, but just tying something different can be inexpensive and story worthy.

The key here is to do you. Make YOU happy at the budget you are allowed. And explore for godsake. You only have one go on this marble, sheesh.

-- Posted Live From The Outside World.