Tan Isn't The New Black, Sorry. - Chris 'Preach' Smith

So I was reading the Financial Times online and
I happened to read an article detailing the backlash against
a part of the healthcare bill up for a vote in the Senate that
calls for a 10% sales tax on all tanning salons nationwide.
In the article, you have someone  claiming that it's a tax
against middle-class white Americans. A salon owner
actually claimed it was a violation of equal protection.

My response? SHAAAAAADAP.

Let's be honest here...they were originally going to tax
Botox injections. But I guess when they found out that
taxing tanning salons would net them $2.7 BILLION per
year, the choice was obvious. I'm highly supportive of
this part of the bill. Mainly because tanning salons to me
have always represented a weird paradoxical part of
society. I started thinking about this in college when I
would see girls who were lily white, who pretty much
were used to seeing people of color in limited numbers
if at all, go away for spring break and come back with
cornrows or braids that would make Stevie Wonder
jealous and a tan. Well most would; others would look
like the business end of a boiled lobster. And what I
always found interesting is, it was as if some of them
were pretending they were black or latina. And they
would try their best to nab a brother. I do recall at
least one instance where a white girl with a tan tried
to get my number...while I was out with a sister I was
dating at the time. Needless to say, she almost caught
a backhand worse than John McEnroe's.

It seems as if people who are oblivious, have esteem
issues or are out and out walking douches love tanning
in any form. They are part of what I like to call, "The
Oompaloompa Gang." Mainly because their tanning
borders on the absolutely ridiculous. I mean, you've
got people out there who think it's cool to have skin
that makes Florida oranges jealous. And have the same
bumpy texture. And you can't tell them they're not
beautiful. They'll be the ones posing for picture upon
picture in the club, on the beach. And funny enough
(or not), they're sometimes the first ones bumping
Snoop Dogg or DMX in their rides. And that's just
the guys!! Some of them even look like 'Dragonball
Z' extras because they pair their overly tanned skin
with spiky gel hairdos. As for the ladies...well, some
of them get tans that make their skin look like pleather
and if that's not enough, there are a couple that get
collagen injections in their lips. Envy much, ladies?


From Failblog via www.paleisthenewtan.com/ ; seriously, how
sad is this?

So I don't want to hear about tanning being medically good for you
either, which was another argument against the tax raised in the
article. If the World Health Organization has tanning beds and
sunlamps on its list of cancer-causing agents, it's definitely not
healthy in large doses. And quite frankly, the racism argument is
kind of weak especially when it appears that some white Americans
use tanning, artificial or natural, to add extra appeal to themselves
even to the point of almost mimicking the appearance of people of
color. To me, if it means less people looking like they escaped from
Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory are out on the streets, I'm all for
the tax.

What To Say Goodbye to in 2010 - Chris "Preach" Smith

Call me a sentimental joker, but I love this time of year.

For me, it's about taking time out to relax, and spend some more
quality time with friends and family. I get to reflect on all that's
taken place over the past year and wonder and prepare for another
year to unfold. It used to be easier when we were younger, wasn't
it? All you had to know was that Christmas was coming, all of your
favorite foods would be on the table, 'A Christmas Story' or 'March
of the Wooden Soldiers' would be on the tube and that one toy or
video game would be waiting for you under the tree. Nowadays,
Christmas starts right after Halloween. And with the New Year, it's
all about the hangover, from drinking AND shopping. So I think
it's best to say goodbye to a few things as we close out 2009:


1)Sarah Palin.
   If this woman is supposed to represent the heartland of the
   United States, then the heartland needs a cardiologist ASAP.
   Stop toting your daughter's baby around like it's yours at
   every bus stop. You couldn't even defend yourself against
   Katie Couric, what makes you think that you could even be
   in a position to stand up against the likes of Putin and
   Chavez? Take a powder, Bullwinkle. The soccer mom
   persona went out in the early '90's.

2)Reality TV.
   2009 saw a reality star murdered by her fellow reality star
   husband who then escaped to Canada and committed
   suicide, an outlandish hoax involving a boy and a weather
   balloon that looked like a Jiffy Pop can that backfired, a
   couple who fathered eight children divorcing bitterly and
   whoring themselves to the public and of course a semi-
   trashy star catching a fresh one to the jaw on MTV. I
   think it's safe to say that the reality of some people's lives
   is not only stranger than fiction, but better left alone.
   And for the love of Keri Hilson, DO NOT give that jackass
   Ray J another show. If his sister can't get work, neither
   should he - there's only so much royalty money you can
   get from 'Mars Attacks'.

3)Overdosing on '80's culture.
   Let's be real about this. When your mom bought you a
   Le Tigre shirt back in those days, you weren't exactly
   thrilled. So I'm not buying your enthusiasm when you,
   at the cusp of your thirties, are buying those shirts like
   it's high fashion. People, can we stop with the too-tight
   skinny jeans, the mix and match plaids, the peroxide
   stripes and patterns in the eyebrows? And ladies, if
   Angela Bower didn't look good with shoulderpads in
   her blouse that made her look like she could've done
   some blocking for Walter Payton, it won't make you
   look hot either. And NO MORE PONY SNEAKERS. I'm
   all for nostalgia, I even love it but when you make
   belt buckles out of NES game controllers, there's a
   serious problem.

4)Celebrity 'Beefs'.
   You knew this got out of hand the moment Al Roker
   got caught up in some mess.

5)Texting while walking.
   So let me get this right...you've got absolutely NO
   damn coordination in your daily life anyway YET you
   want to try to send a text message while walking in
   public? I've seen so many people catch bad ones
   while doing this that it's not even funny. One of these
   days we'll see a newscaster on air and someone
   behind her will get wiped out by an SUV while doing
   this. It's not safe for anyone, so the text can wait a
   few seconds, okay?!!!

Enjoy your New Year, all you happy people.

Birds and Bogeys - Chris 'Preach' Smith

Ever since that fateful night after Thanksgiving, Tiger Woods has been on
every newscast, newspaper and website. And I am sick and tired of it. But I am
mostly sick and tired of the reaction and the need to fan the flames.

To begin with, I'm not defending Tiger for his actions. Infidelity is a selfish act
no matter who commits it. And he'll have to see the error of his ways every
time he looks in the mirror or the eyes of his children. That said, I don't need
to hear every detail of what happened every single day. If you're not ESPN, The
Golf Channel or any other sports entity, back off. In case anyone forgot, there's
people either dying or dismembered in Afghanistan and Iraq, jobs are scarce
and Sarah "Bullwinkle" Palin is on the march. The outside antics of an athlete
can only keep me interested but for so long. And is it me, or are you
getting tired of different reporters and writers saying that Tiger should open
up and disclose everything? Rick Reilly of ESPN is telling everyone that Woods
should do an all-access interview, and invite people in his house to regain the
public. Rick, it's crap like that that made Michael Jordan treat you like a dirty
jock strap. Tiger did the right thing by taking a leave of absence.
And it's nobody's business in the first damn place. If he did open up and
spill his guts, there's always going to be people who will be skeptical. What
really makes me laugh is the amount of people who have jumped up to
throw dirt on Tiger or try to further tear him down.

Which brings me to this question: why is no one asking about all of these
women that are suddenly on TV and in newspapers blabbing about their
affairs with Tiger? We know the answer: in this day and age, no one cares
how they get their 15 minutes of fame. C'mon, you can't tell me that a
woman is going to keep all of these text messages just to be sentimental.
These are women who are social climbers of the lowest order. Women who
will give it up for a Starbucks gift card and a graham cracker. And before
you try to say they're victims, understand this: someone that public, you
know the major details of their life. They knew he was married. And they
still chose to sleep with him. You've even got a 'madam' on TV talking
about how he paid for sex!! If she was two shades darker with an address
off Slauson instead of being in Laurel Canyon with a bad lip collagen
treatment, she would've done time!! The media at large is part of the
problem in that you're condoning this nonsense by giving these fools
airtime. A situation like this always gives me the feeling that there's
parts of the American public that love to build someone up just to tear
them down dramatically.

 How will I get out of this one?

Tiger, if anything, this should tell you something. You were due for a
karmic ass-kicking. You rose to the heights of a sport associated with
executives and people who had the money and time for it. And on the
way, with all of the talent and passion you have to win fourteen major
event championships, you also had arrogance. From cursing at fans
to having your caddy intimidate photographers and sniping at fellow
golfers. You got paid handsomely for the whole package by your
sponsors, three of which have decided to part ways after this affair
(no pun intended). When you make 170 million dollars from your
endorsements alone, that's going to cut back on your gambling trips.
But Tiger, you brought it on yourself. You've been playing up the
clean cut image for a while now. So much so that you've become
more whitebread than Wonder. (I'm saying my man-Cablinasian?!
Are you serious?) Your father groomed you for this ever since you
went on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, putter in tow. In
essence, you probably felt that these flings were easy. Situations
to make up for your percieved awkwardness. I mean, when you're
considered 'the Urkel of the golf world', having a woman fall at
your feet is bliss. But honestly, Tiger...a couple of these women
look more beat up than Manny Pacquiao's sparring gloves. I can
only hope that you and Elin take this time to repair the situation.
And that you take this time to absorb some humility. You'll find it
easier than the back nine at Augusta.

Bouncers and the Bum's Rush - Chris "Preach" Smith

The recent brutal beatdown that took place outside of the 40/40
club in Atlantic City this past weekend has once again sparked
discussion about the excessive force used by bouncers at these
nightclubs. The bouncer basically is the first and last line of
defense at these establishments and quite possibly is the most
hated facet of them. Unless the bartender isn't on point with
the drinks. Jay-Z will face a tremendous amount of heat being
that it's his club and such an incident combined with certain
events in his past gives critics more leeway to apply the 'thug'
label. The nine bouncers in the videotaped assault will just be
more reason for bouncers to be looked on with disgust.

Everyone has at least one story about dealing with a difficult
bouncer. To be honest, there are some of them who frankly
speaking are outright jackasses in sensible shoes. I remember
being in a tiny lounge spot somewhere on the Lower East Side
once with a group of people on a Friday night a few years back.
The place was packed to capacity. After a few minutes, I saw
someone on their way out having a conversation with an older
cat, so I went past and stepped outside to breathe. Once I
felt better, I made my way to the door. And found an arm
outstretched in front of me accompanied by a look of disgust.

'Is there a problem?' I asked.

'C'mon man, you walked past me and didn't even ask if you
could go back in.' he responded. He was a brother, with a few
waves in his hair and middle aged dressed in a sweater and
slacks. 'You can't go back in.' He didn't even look at me
which made me pissed.

'You never told me you were a bouncer when I walked past
you?! That makes no sense!' I replied. 'Regardless, you're
not getting back in.' he sniffed. Effin' bum-ass bidge, I thought
as I walked away. I saw no sense in extending the argument.
But it taught me a lesson...check the bouncer and get the
story straight on the rules. Because some of them don't know
how to do their jobs or don't want to. And those are the ones
who cause these crazy situations to happen, those mental
midgets with

That's not to say that all bouncers are like that. On the flipside,
a lot of them have been professional if not outgoing. The main
reason being is that they have an extremely tough job. It's not
all muscle. They have to instantly gauge reactions and moods.
They have to maintain order in an environment that thrives
on the consumption of alcohol...and when illegal drug use by
partygoers gets into the mix, that makes it harder. Being the
gatekeeper is rough, and in a few cases fatal. I've been asked
a few times to be a bouncer and I've flat-out refused. I don't
envy anyone in that role. While I won't be naive and say that
the club life isn't potentially dangerous, I do feel that there
should be a training program setup for doormen if there isn't
one already where you balance etiquette with situation
management. No one wants the bum's rush from someone
who's more of a nuisance than they are.

Sammy...Do We Know You? - Chris "Preach" Smith

As the cliche goes, 'Denial aint just a river in Egypt.' And for
the past week, the former baseball slugger Sammy Sosa has
become the prime example of that phrase. By now, you've more
than likely seen the 'new' Sosa as he arrived at the Latin
Grammy Awards. If not, see the picture below at your own
risk.

When I first saw the picture above, my heart sank lower than Ryan O'Neal's
morals. I almost thought this was a Photoshop job being sold around the world
as a prime hoax. Sadly, it isn't. Sosa has come under major scrutiny for his
appearance, and when grilled on a leading Latin news program 'Primer Impacto'
about it, he claimed that it was the effects of a skin rejuvenating cream he had
been applying daily combined with the fact that as a Chicago Cub, he played a
lot of games at 1:00 P.M in direct sunlight. The interviewer even tried to
help him out by asking if he had vitiligo like Michael Jackson. We can all
laugh at this, but there's something darker(no pun intended)at work here...

Sammy Sosa has always been friendly, outgoing, someone who enjoys himself
and enjoys people throughout his days as a ballplayer. We all remember him in
that one seemingly magical summer when he and Mark McGwire went head to
head in the quest to become Major League Baseball's home run king. With his
slugging and fielding, he became the face of the Chicago Cubs, and even helped
them in a few winning seasons. Since his last season in 2007 with the Texas
Rangers however, Sammy has dealt with mounting controversy that could lay
waste to his legacy. A corked-bat scandal along with being suspected of steroid
usage led to an uncomfortable appearance before Congress in 2005. This issue
of his skin color may not just hurt his Hall of Fame chances in addition to the
other scandals, but hurt his public standing. Race is still a hot-button topic in
this country as well as the Caribbean and among Latinos no matter the island.

Sammy, I don't believe you're 'not trying to be superficial'. I call BS on that.
I know that there are some Latinos who have an issue with the idea that
they possess African ancestry. Depending on the country you come from,
it's either out in the open or spoken of in low whispers and disapproving
looks. If you weren't trying to be superficial, why would you decide to sport
GREEN CONTACT LENSES in addition to your 'rejuvenated' skin? Didn't you
think the timing would be a little tactless? But then again, you did claim to
not speak English in one interview when pressed about steroids. Sammy,
you should be ashamed of yourself. This isn't about a new look or trying
something new. You want to try something new? How about kayaking or
fencing or sculpture? Changing your skin is not a hobby and it speaks to
how you may truly look at yourself. Do you think that Felipe and Mattie
Alou, your fellow countrymen wanted to change their skin after being
persecuted for being Latinos which to some bigots meant nothing more
than 'Spanish speaking n-----s'? What you've done carries a great weight
of hurt and in some ways, turns away from the sacrifices of other Latino
baseball greats such as Juan Marichal, Vic Power and Roberto Clemente
to name a few. I look at that photo of you and ask myself, 'Sammy...do
we know you? Or do you even know yourself?