'Live From Bedford-Stuyvesant...' - Chris 'Preach' Smith

Thirteen years.

Thirteen years ago, on a morning just like this where the
sun jumped around in the sky, I woke up to hear my man
DJ Stress bumping the Notorious B.I.G.’s ‘Unbelievable’ in
his room. We shared a dorm suite at that time. I walked
over and saw the look on his face, and heard the radio
tell me what it told him earlier.

Biggie was gone.

It’s amazing how the death of Biggie Smalls resonates
so much. That morning we were just building and hearing
Hot97 spinning nothing but Biggie, trying to talk away the
shock and the creeping feeling of hurt. You kind of felt like
Burgess Meredith in that ‘Twilight Zone’ episode where his
glasses cracked on him just as he had all the time to read
in his town ravaged by an A-Bomb. You felt as if it wasn’t
fair. There was so much music left. Life seemed as if it
would be different in some shape or form due to this tragedy.
Thirteen years later, the hip hop culture has evolved so
dramatically that you can’t help but wonder; if Big lived
would half of these cats who stake their claim to lyrical
greatness even be mentioned? And how would he have
fared in the era of downloads and viral videos?

So today, on a morning just like that one, I’m going to
honor the Notorious B.I.G listening to his music on loop
in my iPod stereo with a tequila sunrise in hand and
truly understand that the sky is the limit in this life and
the next. Rest In Power Christopher Wallace.

Rappers Are In Danger - Chris 'Preach' Smith

As I write this, the legendary MC of Gang Starr,
Guru is recovering from emergency surgery in New York
after being in a coma due to cardiac arrest. News like this
can catch you like a fist to the back of your neck, and even
more so when it involves a figure who had a major role in
your generation as Guru did. To this day, I still remember
that Video Music Box episode where I saw the 'Words I
Manifest' video for the first time. And of course, lemonade
was a popular drink and it still is. There is another element
to all of this, one which I hope comes to light in other
articles and interviews. Our MC's have bigger things to be
concerned with than advances and tour dates. Their health
is the biggest issue they have.

I believe it's safe to say that hip hop, in some ways, is all
a young man(or woman's)realm. It's not so dependent on
age, but the vitality of youth. And with that vitality comes
a perception of immortality that goes beyond the songs
captured on wax. These MC's and DJ's are here to rule
forever...or until their records stop selling. That's the allure
of hip hop. That Ponce De Leon ethos that is encrypted in
our debates over who's the better MC everywhere. And so,
we fall into shock when someone in hip hop dies before
their time. The two most prominent examples of this are
of course, Biggie Smalls and Tupac Shakur. Their tragic
deaths have added to their prestige and put them on the
same plateau as James Dean. And to a degree, James
'J-Dilla' Yancey as well after his lengthy fight with TTP
(Thrombotic Thrombocytopenic Purpura)ended. The one
thing I see is, there are a lot of MC's and DJ's and other
figures in hip hop at risk because of the rigorous life they
lead for the music and the culture and Guru's current
state is a red flag of warning.

A lot of it is the fact that as these artists have longevity,
they have to work harder to maintain it. I remember
going into shock when Buckshot of Black Moon suffered
a seizure a couple of years ago. The great Marley Marl
had a heart attack last year as well. Ghostface has gone
on record about his battles with diabetes. We lost MC
Breed to illness last year. The list is getting bigger. It
seems as if some people are at the point of accepting
that an MC or DJ will die violently rather than being prone
to pass away due to serious illness because they believe
that hip hop itself is inherently all about violence. And
that is disturbing. And dangerous. Rappers don't have
medicare granted by the labels to the best of my knowledge.
They don't have pensions. There should be an effort
amongst artists to create a health fund for those that
are involved in the culture, much like the Screen Actors
Guild does for actors. Even to the point of nursing facilities
being constructed because in all honesty, the MC's we
grew up with will be at retirement age sooner than later.
Much sooner. And at some point, the artists themselves
have to take some responsibility about their own health
as well.

If Guru recovers, I would love to see some sort of effort
take place along these lines. A culture only falters when there
isn't enough done to protect it and take care of it. Our MC's
and DJ's deserve that. Hip hop deserves that.

Waiting On a Fool To Change - Chris 'Preach' Smith

It's kind of ironic that John Mayer has named his upcoming
album Battle Studies because he's waging one that he has started
with the help of Playboy Magazine.

John Mayer is no different because he can play a
guitar and sing. He's just got more money and
more arrogance and apparently, little common sense.

The recent interview has set the world of media ablaze due to Mayer's
comments. Which ones? Try where he claimed to have a 'hood pass'
but used the N word in its place. Or where he referred to his johnson
as a 'white supremacist'. Or where he referred to his interaction with
Jessica Simpson as 'sexual napalm'. I'll spare you the gory details in
reference to Perez Hilton and Harvey Levin. I read the entire article
a couple of times and found myself saying one thing...what a train
wreck this guy is. Which was followed up by, I bet his album sales
don't get affected one bit. Don't get me wrong, I find Mayer's words
ridiculous and offensive at the very least. But I also find them illuminating.
Illuminating in the sense that he has pretty much opened a door to
who he really is. And that is what is both shocking and all too familiar.
Because Mayer shows himself to be nothing more than another
disillusioned individual who feels comforted by the celebrity he enjoys.
Think about it: you've probably met guys like this sipping on Pabst Blue
Ribbon listening to emo rock in bars or seen them out and about
making homoerotic jokes and slamming down shots while mangling
Gangstarr lyrics. John Mayer is no different because he can play a
guitar and sing. He's just got more money and more arrogance
and apparently, little common sense.

I've said it to people I know; we have a tendency in America to
place these celebrities on a throne and become shocked at their
behavior. To some degree, they're our version of British royalty.
Without all of the pomp and circumstance. Reading comments by
some people on various websites, I've seen a mixture of outrage
and people applauding him for not being 'too PC'. To the former
group, I say this: think about Justin Timberlake. There was a
time where he was essentially THE white boy with rhythm. You
saw him pop up everywhere with black artists. And it all came to
a screeching halt with Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl. In a way,
he threw Janet under the bus. And that didn't go unnoticed. He
felt the burn on that until his smash album in 2006. Will Mayer
have the same situation? I don't know. I don't put him in the
same class artistically with Timberlake but I wouldn't be surprised
if it was business as usual with his album coming out.

Waiting on a fool to change is just like waiting for a hooker
to get arthritis; it's inevitable, but not easy to predict. To me,
Mayer is a fool who overestimated himself and decided to do
so in a highly public format. He may not care if someone called
him a douchebag on a blog but we all know that's so far from
the truth...why would you apologize publicly in the first place?
And you said this in an interview with Playboy Magazine and
people DO read the articles there, John. Obviously you don't
due to your 'vacations'. Get over yourself and realize that at
this rate, the only pass you'll get anymore is the one you need
for 'counseling' in an expensive clinic of your choice.

Love Haters and the Hopeful Cynics - Chris "Preach" Smith

Valentines' Day is here. Not that you didn't know since they
had display aisles set up in drugstores a week after New Years'.

The one thing that can be more irritating than all of the jewelry
commercials and ads for teddy bears(seriously, those ads triple
by the time Valentines' Day arrives)is the group of people who
hate Valentines' Day. I'll take a tip from my man Andre 3000 and
call them 'love haters'. They're usually the ones that make bold
declarations like 'Valentines' Day is for suckers' and 'love sucks'.
These bitter Bettys and hating Harrys however, don't fool me for
one bit.

Let's be real...there are valid reasons why you'd detest Valentines'
Day. Maybe the day has coincided with tragedy or you're sick of
the crass commercialism. Personally, I feel that if you're in a
committed relationship, Valentines' Day should be every day for
you. But the 'love haters' basically hate this day because they
feel the pressure of being lonely a bit too much or they're still
mad at themselves for making the wrong choices in love. A word
to these folks: get out, get some backbone and stop drinking
the sour-ass grapes. If you're mad 'cause you let some bird
run game on you until your pockets were as flat as a Kansas
prarie or you're upset that you gave up the cookies to some
part-time player with a bad fade, live with it. It's called living
and learning people. Don't try to rain on other people's parades
because you can't stand the sunlight of their happiness.

There's another group I'd like to talk about...I'll call them the
'hopeful cynics'. These people talk a whole lot of junk about
this day, BUT have expectations. You KNOW if you didn't get
that person a gift or take them out to dinner or do something
nice for them, they'd throw you more shade than a solar
eclipse. Don't fall for that okey-doke. I've seen it go down
and I'd like for you to read my next article without a black
eye. And if anything, give 'em one of these:

'Hood Ornithology - Chris 'Preach' Smith

Artwork by Parra

*set to the theme of Masterpiece Theatre*

For those unaware, ornithology is defined thusly by
Webster’s:

1 : a treatise on ornithology
2 : a branch of zoology dealing with birds

So, ‘hood ornithology is basically an examination of that
social phenomenon in every ‘hood worldwide: chickenheads.
Now before we dive into the topic, let me state this: if you
are a good, soild, progressive, mature woman with little
to no drama in her life…this doesn’t apply to you at ALL.
IF you know someone like this in your circle, disengage
from her presence immediately. Bear in mind that this
isn’t about slander, it’s informative With that out of the way,
let’s talk about the first bird on our list…

1)Pigeon.
 
She’s your standard, garden variety bird on the block.
When she opens her mouth, her voice has the high screech
that makes you cringe. The plumage, or outfit varies
depending on what she’s going to trick some random
dude out of, but never goes above the caliber of Reebok
54’11 sneakers or those five dollar mesh slippers you
find on Canal Street along with jeans. Watch out for
brands like Apple Bottom, Rocawear or knockoffs to that
effect in conjunction with cheap palm tree designs on
their fingernails. They eat cheap; you usually find them
at ‘hood establishments like Crown Fried Chicken, your
local Chinese take out joint or any fast food spot. The
walk is unmistakable, as if they’re hunting and pecking
for loosies on the sidewalk.

2)Squab. 

More bare bones than the pigeon, she’s also the more
cunning. Will perform a variety of tasks for minimal gains,
from cooking to splitting open blunts for marijuana use.
Known as ‘squab’ because she LOVES to fight and LOVES
drama. Adept at carrying razor blades in their mouth.
Her vocabulary involves more curses than a Blowfly
record. Not particularly known for consistency with
lotion or other beauty regimens. Prefers mens’ clothing
and boots but will wear tight jeans on occassion. Fond
of lip gloss. Usually if you see one in a group of thugs on
the corner, she’s the point man when it’s time to throw
down. Beverage of choice is whatever beer is to be had
or a Seagram’s Wine Cooler. Usually their hair garment
of choice outdoors is a bandana.

3)Starling.

The intellectually deficient of this group, which often leads
to troublesome situations with other men and their girlfriends.
Known to be easy ‘chicks on the side’ in a pinch. The starling
has been known to be a blatant klutz. She also is a prime
candidate for work as a stripper in worst case scenarios due
to the love of money this group of birds shares. They love
random tattoos. They have a fondness for wearing their
hair with highlights that don’t match. The starling is known
to keep a conversation for no more than ten minutes at a
time. They also like to suck their teeth in certain moments.
Starlings have a fondness for french manicures, and such
eateries as P.F Chang’s and Chili’s. Their drink of choice is
usually something heavily mixed, like a Sex on The Beach.
Despite this they have a knack for devising half-assed plans.

4)Oriole.

Similar to the Starling, we find that these birds can be quite
dirty in their dealings. They’re the ones usually spotted on
such daytime television fare as Maury Povich, and most if
not all judge shows. Somewhat smarter, they’re usually the
ones who are knee-jerk judges of everything and everybody.
You’ll find them to be two-faced. They love their local happy
hour and favor communication via text messages. Known
to alternate outfits between selections from the Gap and
Conway or another department store. The oriole is fond of
sports; rather, they’re fond of athletes to a point where
they become after hours fans. They’re known to copy the
styles of well known singers and actresses while at the hair
salon. As they gain weight, they become more outlandish
in attitude(see ‘Flavor of Love’, season 2)and behavior. An
oriole has a know-it-all attitude but is easily shot down by
anyone with relative common sense. They love to spit as
an attack. Can be seen in packs at your local shopping mall
or any retail center that has a Victoria’s Secret.

5)Kiwi.

This bird is known for its smallness both in brains and inflight capacity.
She is sometimes called ‘the backyard
scatologist’ because of a great obsession and need to talk..
well…you know. The kiwi has a great affinity with the
starling along the lines of intelligence. You’ll often find that
a kiwi is used to being picked on more than a Mets fan in
late August. She’s prone to chain smoking cigarettes, and
can be seen in sports bars, hot sheet motels and backstage
at various concerts on couches. Sadly, this bird doesn’t
get around as much as they’d like even though picutres of
them pop up all over the place, even naughty website ads.

6)Pheasant.

This particular chickenhead is snobbish with abandon.
A bitmore stylish than the others, they can usually be found
with a face that looks as if they ate five lemons for lunch.
The pheasant has been known to dabble in finance, fashion
and a few have found a life in porn, both the name brand
and the third shelf behind the bodega counter variety. She
is fond of Indian bidis and is sometimes found to have a
refined or wealthy background. Intelligent and arrogant,
the pheasant can be instantly be spotted a walk that calls
to mind someone who is trying to hide constipation. Loves
to travel, especially on someone else’s dime. Birds of this kind
like to pattern themselves after Keyshia Cole.

7)Terducken.

The grand mame of all of the chickenheads, this woman possesses
a finely blended mix of all of our previous birds
listed here. She wears elite name brands head to toe, from
Prada to Jimmy Choo. Likes to style herself after a cast
member from ‘Sex in The City’. They are known for holding
on to drama way too long. The terducken can be outright
cruel and oblivious with their behavior to everyone. They
sometimes are known by having exotic backgrounds. A
terducken usually walks funny due to the combination of
being driven around everywhere by male ‘friends’ and their
love of high heels. Reckless, this species of bird will always
believe they can get over on others. The title comes from
the Cajun dish where a turkey is stuffed with a duck which
in turn is stuffed with a chicken. Which is much like their
love life and reproductive patterns.

Of course, there are men who fall into this study.
They can be broken down into two categories:

1)Roosterheads.

These men act in similar ways to chickenheads from timeto time.
Their behavior can sometimes border on the side
of sheer ignorance. Known to instigate quarrels like the
squab and carry grudges for days, even weeks. The
roosterhead is a bully that is easliy shown up, sometimes
with fists. There are some rappers who fall into this group
very easily. Roosterheads share one quality with both the
pigeon and squab in that their behavior encompasses all
ages.

2)Chickenhawks.

These are men who prefer the company of various birds
to real mature women for various reasons. They can be
known to have emotional issues. Some even pretend to
be young forever, evidenced by aging chickenhawks in
brightly colored suits at nightclubs and churches. They
carefully groom themselves, and aren’t choosy when it
comes to alcoholic beverages.


In every neighborhood all over the world it seems, we
have this kind of wildlife running around. If you know
people in these groups, get them out of your life as
soon as possible. Thank you and enjoy your bird-
watching!!