'Hood Ornithology - Chris 'Preach' Smith

Artwork by Parra

*set to the theme of Masterpiece Theatre*

For those unaware, ornithology is defined thusly by
Webster’s:

1 : a treatise on ornithology
2 : a branch of zoology dealing with birds

So, ‘hood ornithology is basically an examination of that
social phenomenon in every ‘hood worldwide: chickenheads.
Now before we dive into the topic, let me state this: if you
are a good, soild, progressive, mature woman with little
to no drama in her life…this doesn’t apply to you at ALL.
IF you know someone like this in your circle, disengage
from her presence immediately. Bear in mind that this
isn’t about slander, it’s informative With that out of the way,
let’s talk about the first bird on our list…

1)Pigeon.
 
She’s your standard, garden variety bird on the block.
When she opens her mouth, her voice has the high screech
that makes you cringe. The plumage, or outfit varies
depending on what she’s going to trick some random
dude out of, but never goes above the caliber of Reebok
54’11 sneakers or those five dollar mesh slippers you
find on Canal Street along with jeans. Watch out for
brands like Apple Bottom, Rocawear or knockoffs to that
effect in conjunction with cheap palm tree designs on
their fingernails. They eat cheap; you usually find them
at ‘hood establishments like Crown Fried Chicken, your
local Chinese take out joint or any fast food spot. The
walk is unmistakable, as if they’re hunting and pecking
for loosies on the sidewalk.

2)Squab. 

More bare bones than the pigeon, she’s also the more
cunning. Will perform a variety of tasks for minimal gains,
from cooking to splitting open blunts for marijuana use.
Known as ‘squab’ because she LOVES to fight and LOVES
drama. Adept at carrying razor blades in their mouth.
Her vocabulary involves more curses than a Blowfly
record. Not particularly known for consistency with
lotion or other beauty regimens. Prefers mens’ clothing
and boots but will wear tight jeans on occassion. Fond
of lip gloss. Usually if you see one in a group of thugs on
the corner, she’s the point man when it’s time to throw
down. Beverage of choice is whatever beer is to be had
or a Seagram’s Wine Cooler. Usually their hair garment
of choice outdoors is a bandana.

3)Starling.

The intellectually deficient of this group, which often leads
to troublesome situations with other men and their girlfriends.
Known to be easy ‘chicks on the side’ in a pinch. The starling
has been known to be a blatant klutz. She also is a prime
candidate for work as a stripper in worst case scenarios due
to the love of money this group of birds shares. They love
random tattoos. They have a fondness for wearing their
hair with highlights that don’t match. The starling is known
to keep a conversation for no more than ten minutes at a
time. They also like to suck their teeth in certain moments.
Starlings have a fondness for french manicures, and such
eateries as P.F Chang’s and Chili’s. Their drink of choice is
usually something heavily mixed, like a Sex on The Beach.
Despite this they have a knack for devising half-assed plans.

4)Oriole.

Similar to the Starling, we find that these birds can be quite
dirty in their dealings. They’re the ones usually spotted on
such daytime television fare as Maury Povich, and most if
not all judge shows. Somewhat smarter, they’re usually the
ones who are knee-jerk judges of everything and everybody.
You’ll find them to be two-faced. They love their local happy
hour and favor communication via text messages. Known
to alternate outfits between selections from the Gap and
Conway or another department store. The oriole is fond of
sports; rather, they’re fond of athletes to a point where
they become after hours fans. They’re known to copy the
styles of well known singers and actresses while at the hair
salon. As they gain weight, they become more outlandish
in attitude(see ‘Flavor of Love’, season 2)and behavior. An
oriole has a know-it-all attitude but is easily shot down by
anyone with relative common sense. They love to spit as
an attack. Can be seen in packs at your local shopping mall
or any retail center that has a Victoria’s Secret.

5)Kiwi.

This bird is known for its smallness both in brains and inflight capacity.
She is sometimes called ‘the backyard
scatologist’ because of a great obsession and need to talk..
well…you know. The kiwi has a great affinity with the
starling along the lines of intelligence. You’ll often find that
a kiwi is used to being picked on more than a Mets fan in
late August. She’s prone to chain smoking cigarettes, and
can be seen in sports bars, hot sheet motels and backstage
at various concerts on couches. Sadly, this bird doesn’t
get around as much as they’d like even though picutres of
them pop up all over the place, even naughty website ads.

6)Pheasant.

This particular chickenhead is snobbish with abandon.
A bitmore stylish than the others, they can usually be found
with a face that looks as if they ate five lemons for lunch.
The pheasant has been known to dabble in finance, fashion
and a few have found a life in porn, both the name brand
and the third shelf behind the bodega counter variety. She
is fond of Indian bidis and is sometimes found to have a
refined or wealthy background. Intelligent and arrogant,
the pheasant can be instantly be spotted a walk that calls
to mind someone who is trying to hide constipation. Loves
to travel, especially on someone else’s dime. Birds of this kind
like to pattern themselves after Keyshia Cole.

7)Terducken.

The grand mame of all of the chickenheads, this woman possesses
a finely blended mix of all of our previous birds
listed here. She wears elite name brands head to toe, from
Prada to Jimmy Choo. Likes to style herself after a cast
member from ‘Sex in The City’. They are known for holding
on to drama way too long. The terducken can be outright
cruel and oblivious with their behavior to everyone. They
sometimes are known by having exotic backgrounds. A
terducken usually walks funny due to the combination of
being driven around everywhere by male ‘friends’ and their
love of high heels. Reckless, this species of bird will always
believe they can get over on others. The title comes from
the Cajun dish where a turkey is stuffed with a duck which
in turn is stuffed with a chicken. Which is much like their
love life and reproductive patterns.

Of course, there are men who fall into this study.
They can be broken down into two categories:

1)Roosterheads.

These men act in similar ways to chickenheads from timeto time.
Their behavior can sometimes border on the side
of sheer ignorance. Known to instigate quarrels like the
squab and carry grudges for days, even weeks. The
roosterhead is a bully that is easliy shown up, sometimes
with fists. There are some rappers who fall into this group
very easily. Roosterheads share one quality with both the
pigeon and squab in that their behavior encompasses all
ages.

2)Chickenhawks.

These are men who prefer the company of various birds
to real mature women for various reasons. They can be
known to have emotional issues. Some even pretend to
be young forever, evidenced by aging chickenhawks in
brightly colored suits at nightclubs and churches. They
carefully groom themselves, and aren’t choosy when it
comes to alcoholic beverages.


In every neighborhood all over the world it seems, we
have this kind of wildlife running around. If you know
people in these groups, get them out of your life as
soon as possible. Thank you and enjoy your bird-
watching!!